This year has been a lot for me overall. I've been maintaining the writing and edit schedule, but trying to keep up with blog content has been more than I can handle. For the time being, I'm going to pause the blog for a bit. I'm hoping I'll get it going again at the beginning of 2025, but we'll see where I'm at with everything else.
Until next post ♥
The world slowed. Time crawled as my eyes locked onto him. The blade I was holding slipped from my fingertips as they went numb. I couldn’t move. Abe was there, but he wasn’t doing anything. He needed to be doing something.
I couldn’t bring myself to move toward him. I didn’t want to see it. I didn’t want it to be real. He was fine. He was always fine.
Cali came outside. She went to Abe. I couldn’t hear what they were saying over the blood rushing in my ears. They both looked at me. I didn’t need to hear them. The looks on their faces said it all.
He was dead.
I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was on the ground, knees sinking into the grass. My hands were shaking. Hot, damp trails blazed their way down my cheeks. The world had gone silent. Still. My eyes locked on his lifeless body, trying to will him to move.
I was frozen. Even as hands grabbed at me. I couldn’t respond. I didn’t know how. My vision blurred as Cali’s face appeared in front of me.
(All excerpts are taken from a lightly edited first draft. The content might change or be removed entirely from the final book.)
The drive wasn’t long. We ended up at some Country Club called Rolling Springs. That didn’t even make sense. It was a stupid name for anything, really. I had to put more effort into not scowling than I wanted to.
At least it was pretty. The driveway was long, winding, and lined with flowering trees. When it opened up into the parking lot, there were little islands of flowers everywhere. Every color you could imagine. A pond was on one side of the building with a couple fountains of water, and groupings of lily pad in full bloom were throughout. They were so pristine, I was almost sure they had to be fake.
As the driver, whose name I still didn’t know, pulled up to the front of the building, Dunham got out and came around to open my door for me. Another thing that annoyed me. I was perfectly capable of opening a door. The first time I did it, he’d set his jaw and told me to never do it again. I just had to allow it.
We walked into the club together. The people at the desk nodded to him as we walked by. I was almost sure I saw fear in their eyes. I tried to give them a pleasant smile, but that didn’t help any.
He lead me out to a patio filled with tables and claimed an empty one. He raised his hand to one of the waitresses. She gave him a nod and a smile before stopping at another table. Dunham set his jaw. I reached out and set my hand on his.
“This place is beautiful,” I said.
He didn’t respond. He was staring at the waitress as she finished taking the order of the table she was standing in front of. I didn’t know how to distract him from it. He was hyper-focused on her.
“Good afternoon,” she said with a smile as she finally approached our table. “How are you folks today?”
“You must be new here,” Dunham said, voice hard, cruelty lingering just beneath the surface. “I take priority here. When I need something, you will come to me immediately.”
“I’m sorry,” she said, smile faltering. “They had waved to me…”
“I don’t care,” he said, cutting her off. “I don’t want to hear your excuses for failing at your job. You are here to keep the rest of us happy. Do I look happy right now? Do I need to call someone else over here to serve us today since you appear to be completely incompetent?”
She looked like she was about to cry. He hadn’t raised his voice to her, but the threat lingered. His temper was a weight in the air. I couldn’t take it. No matter what happened, I wasn’t going to let him do this to her. Even I wasn’t that much of a bitch.
“Everyone makes mistakes right?” I said, giving her a reassuring smile. Dunham’s hard stare turned to me. “No harm done. We might want some drinks before the people we’re meeting arrive.”
“Your best wine,” he said, not looking away from me. “Bring the bottle.”
The waitress nodded and rushed off. I knew she wouldn’t be back. Someone else would be assigned to us. That poor girl. I did my best to keep the smile on my face. If he wanted to yell at someone, he could yell at me. Sooner rather than later he would be dead and buried.
“Your input was not needed,” he practically growled at me. “She needs to learn.”
“She is a young woman,” I said, maintaining the smile. I couldn’t hide the venom. “She didn’t need to be scolded as if she were a child.”
(All excerpts are taken from a lightly edited first draft. The content might change or be removed entirely from the final book.)
I decided I really wanted character art for the Justified series. I have so many references and whatnot for Spirt of Fire, but Justified was different. So. I happen to know an artist with comms open. I give you, James and Vanessa outside Carly's:
Lilac is fantastic! She can be found on Insta @renigirl_draws
I wanted to know all the reasoning, but I knew better than to ask any of the questions. It wouldn’t do me any good. I tried my magic again, but it still wasn’t working. Even if I managed to get free, I didn’t know that I’d be able to do anything about it. I couldn’t run, I didn’t have any weapons, not that I could wield them anyway, and my magic was unreliable at best for the time being.
We finally made it to the top of the stairs. The door to the outside was left open. It was bright enough to burn my eyes. I blinked rapidly, trying to alleviate the stars even as more formed. The light in the cell was always on, and it was always just bright enough to see across the room, but not more than that.
As he pulled me out the door, I took a deep breath. The smells of the forest filled my nose. The birdsong as they got ready to settle in for the night was beautiful enough tears sprang to my eyes. I could hear everything at the same time. The chorus of critters in the undergrowth and up the trees. I didn’t want to go back to silence. I didn’t know that I could handle it again.
I hadn’t realized how much I missed the sounds and smells until now. Not having them for what felt like weeks had been a particularly cruel form of torture.
(All excerpts are taken from a lightly edited first draft. The content might change or be removed entirely from the final book.)
“Does he do all the cooking?” she asked as she finished her dinner.
“I do,” he said. “Vanessa doesn’t cook. If it wasn’t for
Gus, they would never eat anything but takeout. I’ve been volunteered to be the
cook now.”
“His food is better,” I whispered to her. “He makes all
kinds of things.”
“If I ask him to make me a pie, do you think he would?”
she whispered back.
“Maybe if you ask very nicely.”
“Nicholai,” she said, leaning forward and pouting. “Would
you maybe make me a blackberry pie?”
A slight grin tugged at her lips. Nic scoffed, and I knew
without looking he had rolled his eyes.
“It’s a little late for that isn’t it?” he asked.
“Pretty please,” she said softly.
Her eyes were sparkling. I couldn’t contain the laugh as
he sighed and reached for our plates. He wouldn’t be able to say no to her. He
knocked his shoulder into mine before he got up and walked to the stairs,
grumbling.
“Is he really going to make me a pie?” she asked as he
disappeared down the stairs.
“I think he is,” I said. “He isn’t going to let you get
away with that forever.”
Due to all of the crazy I talked about last week. I haven't been taking my meds consistently. I know I need to. I mean to. But everything is a mess, and I've been struggling to actually do it. Now that I'm taking them regularly again, I feel better? Shocking, I know. So that's been helping me get back to a place where being productive is possible. I need to keep that going.
Because of everything happening, I'm woefully behind on all the things. Blog maintenance, working, editing, socializing... Just everything. So it's a little overwhelming to get going again. It's something I've always wondered how normal people do it (yes, normal people. The Precise Keeper of Time and C.O. heavily dislike when I say that lol). With everything happening and the emotions and the struggle... just going back to living normally and being productive feels very hard. Unsurmountable some days. It's going to be a process.
With that, I've decided I'm not writing in November. The book I was scheduled to write then would be the first book in a new series (Drift, Book One of Collide), and it wouldn't be published until October of 2027. It doesn't have to be written this year. It can wait. So, I modified my schedule to write Drift next year. I think it will be ok. We'll see. I'm a little stressed that I'm dropping a writing month, but I'm so far behind on edits right now that trying to do everything I had planned for the year isn't realistic anymore.
I don't know how much I've mentioned it, but I have my writing schedule mapped out until the end of 2030. I know what books I'm writing and when. All of it has some pretty tight turnaround on them. I like to keep myself busy. I do better when I'm busy. Downtime has a tendency to make my mental health spiral.
So, here's a peek into what my writing schedule looks like for this year and next:
Ok, I need to get back to things.
Until next week ♥
The lyrics in my head this week are a bit odd, but we used to sing this to Tig when he was a kitten. It's his song. He's my Big Tig. Tigger Bear. Sweet Boy.
“Welcome to our home,” Tom said from the balcony. “Eric is
finishing something up and then he will be out. We were thinking we could sit
on the veranda.”
“Sounds perfect,” I said as I tugged Nic toward the
stairs.
He was still looking around in awe. I couldn’t wait to see
his face when he saw where we'd be having this meeting. I tried to take the
stairs at a normal pace, but my legs started shaking. Nic pulled me closer and
let me lean on him. I knew Tom noted the change as we got halfway up the
stairs.
“Your home is beautiful,” Nic said as we took the last few
stairs.
“Thank you,” Tom said, smiling broadly. “We've enjoyed
putting it all together.”
“Tom,” I said. “This is Nic.”
“It’s so good to meet you,” he said stepping up to Nic and
enveloping him in a hug. It took him by surprise and I had to suppress a grin.
“And Vanessa, you look especially gorgeous tonight.”
He gave me a hug, lifted me off my feet, and spun in a
circle. When he set me down, I kissed his cheek. Nic raised his eyebrows at the
gesture, but Thomas leaned over and said something to him.
Tom had done that the first time we met because he said I
looked like I needed something to make me smile. I didn’t know what to make of
it then, but now he did it every time he saw me. Eric always shook his head and
grumbled if he saw it happen. He didn’t like how informal it was.
Tom was never formal. His copper hair was always tousled
like he just got out of bed, and he would fit in well at the beach at all
times. I'd never seen him in anything other than gauzy shirts and pastel
shorts. If he had to have shoes on, he wore sandals but preferred to be
barefoot.
“James and Thomas,” he said fondly. “I haven’t seen you in
far too long.”
He gave them both hugs, and then whistled twice. Coco came
sprinting from somewhere down the hall. Her head came to my hip, and her shaggy
hair was always in her eyes. As she ran to Tom, her tongue flopped out of her
mouth. Tom patted her head and then she head butted Thomas’s hand. He dropped
down into a squat and rubbed her cheeks while talking nonsense to her.
“I thought her name was Coco,” Nic said.
“It is,” Tom chuckled. “Eric’s idea of a good joke. A pure
white dog named after a dark brown powder.”
Coco noticed Nic and galloped over, almost knocking him
down, but he grinned and did the same thing Thomas had done. Coco leaned into
him and then licked his face. She was always excited to have company over.
“Let’s head out there,” Tom said. “Coco can come along for
now.”
Nic stood again and Coco whined. He reached out and patted
her head. He held out his other arm for me and we followed Tom. When we came to
a bank of French doors, Nic slowed his pace. I grinned at him and tugged him
along.
The view was incredible. The gardens were impressive on
their own. A few fountains were interspersed among the flowers, benches, and a
pond, and from up here you could see out to the sea. We stepped out on to the pale
wide planks that made up the floor, and Nic was speechless. Wood latticework
went up one side and over the top with bright vines winding themselves through
it. The railing on the other two sides was wrought iron bent into intricate
patterns. The glass top table was already set for six. It was a perfect oasis
back here.
“This is incredible,” Nic said, barely audible.
“Please,” Tom said. “Sit. Rose will be out in minute to
bring drinks. Eric shouldn’t be long.”
There has been a lot. Then I realized I hadn't checked on blog things and saw a placeholder post went out. I deleted it now, but it shouldn't have posted. When things are going well for me, I queue up a lot of things. I also have placeholders so I don't have to think about when or the times or anything like that when I am getting content ready. It's a system that was working well for me... until I fell behind and dropped all the balls I was juggling, and it's all kind of a mess right now. Over the next week I plan to make an attempt to clean it all up.
I haven't talked about it much, if at all, on here because... well, a lot of reason, but some level of privacy was some of it. Two years ago, my dad was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer. They gave him three to six months. Well, he showed them that Staudacher's are stubborn as all hell. He blew their timeline out of the water. He lived four times longer than their best guesses. He passed last week. There have been a lot of big emotions. I'm not good at big emotions. I do a lot of avoiding them. C.O and I have been working on it.
To add more complicated emotions to the mix, my cat, Tigger (13), is now on kitty hospice. He had what I thought was an infection in his lip. Took him to the vet and found out a tumor was growing under his gums, had dislodged all the teeth on the upper right side, and caused them to rot. He had his surgery to remove the teeth, and they tested the tumor. It's a very aggressive form of cancer. There isn't anything they can really do for him. So he's on pain meds now. Once he starts declining, I'll have to have him put to sleep. I got this news five days before my dad died. He's in good spirits. Still loves his treats, pretends he dislikes the cuddles (but starts purring immediately), and has been acting like my normal Big Tig. It won't be long, though.
So, I'm a mess of things right now. A lot has fallen off to the side in disarray. I need to start pulling it all back together again. That's what this next week is going to be about. In theory. I have a million things that need my attention. Maybe I can get that down to 900,000 by the end of the month.
Until next week (probably) ♥
I didn’t know if he was going to go through with it. I would’ve had it done and over with by now. There wasn’t much to this job. It was an in-and-out with an injection. It was supposed to be a heart attack, some new drug. He’d been following this guy for what felt like an eternity. Hopefully, he was just being sure. If that was all it was, I could respect it. It was his first job…
If he didn’t go in for
the kill soon, I’d have to do it and report back that he needed more training.
I really didn’t want to do that. I wasn’t sure what would happen to him. I’d
never heard about anything like that happening.
Finally, he was making a
move. He picked his way across the rooftop, being much more careful than he
needed to be at this time of the night, and then stopped above the mark’s
window. I crossed my ankles and snuggled down in the jacket. I knew he couldn’t
see me from where he was, not that he was looking. He’d need to work on that.
The least he could’ve done was make an attempt to be sure he was the only one watching.
Not that he would’ve found me if he went looking, but the effort would be
needed.
His trip down the side of
the building was smooth and almost looked effortless. It was impressive. I
didn’t know what I was supposed to be reporting back. As soon as he moved in
through the window, I stood and moved to the ledge. I pulled out my phone.
“Decker,” Arthur said as
he answered.
“What am I supposed to be
saying?”
“I heard you got your
first newbie,” he said with a chuckle. “How’s he doing?”
“Fine,” I replied. “Took
way longer to get this going than I would’ve.”
“Well, this is his first
one,” Arthur said. “Cut him some slack.”
I pulled out the night
vision binoculars. He’d been in there a long time, but I couldn’t see much of
anything and had to move down further.
“Oh, shit,” I gasped.
“Uh oh,” Arthur said.
“Did he mess it up?”
“I… ok,” I said as I
leaned over further. “Ok. He was supposed to be quick, make it an accident, but
he was just fighting the guy. Looks like he finally got him.”
“When he’s done, slip in
there and make sure it’s clean,” Arthur said.
“And what am I supposed
to report?” I asked.
“Whatever you want,” he
replied. “Call me later and we can go over it.”
“If you pass out it, it will result with you being in bed, and all of us worried about you,” he said.
“Fine,” I replied with a sigh. “I’ll get in bed, but
someone is going to bring me some of that stuff from the box to go over.”
“You need rest,” he said as he picked me up. “Now.”
“I need answers to all of these questions,” I said,
scrambling to hold on to him.
“Rayna wants to come up here and talk to you by herself
for a minute,” he said. “I’m going to make food while she talks to you, and
then we can figure out what to do next. You and I still have some things to
talk about.”
“I was hoping you were going to let us move on from that
now,” I said.
He carried me up the stairs and placed me softly on the
bed. I leaned back into the headboard and he pressed a soft kiss to my temple.
He let his lips linger for moment before giving me a soft smile and going back
down the stairs to get Rayna.
I closed my eyes and tipped my head back. Everything was
such a mess. Nothing made any sense. I was tired all the time. My body and my
magic were both sore. Rayna came running up the stairs.
“How are you?” Rayna asked as she jumped on the edge of
the bed. “I was worried about you.”
“I’m doing ok,” I said. “I’m just tired. You did good
today.”
“I told you, I just wanted to help,” she said. “I can help
you.”
She scooted over to me and lifted my arm so she could lay
against me. She wrapped her arms around me and sighed. She'd never had comfort
before. I knew she hadn’t, but how quickly she sought it out concerned me. She
wasn’t standoffish at all. She was temperamental, but not standoffish. I wasn’t
sure what to make of it.
“My shadows like you,” she said. “They talk about you a
lot.”
“What do they say about me?”
“They tell me you're upset a lot, but you don’t tell
people. They think you should tell James and Nic,” she said.
“What makes you think I don’t tell them?” I asked.
“You don’t tell everything,” she said. “They can feel it.”
“Well,” I said, squeezing her tighter. “Let your shadows
know I am working on it.”
I have a cult now. I can't really tell you how it happened. I came back to the Inn after being busy and was greeted with several people telling me they were my followers. It had something to do with daily word counts, that's really all I know! So. I'm a cult leader! I bless people with cookies (provided by my favorite Confused Cookie Goddess) and writing motivation.
I know I've talked about the Inn, but I wanna talk about it some more. I love it there so much. It's the writing community I've always wanted. It was what I thought I had in the other group I belonged to. Turns out, vibes are hard to maintain when the leaders of a space don't model the correct behavior. With the Inn, we control that, and it's happy and supportive and just a fantastic group of people I adore being around. We're close to 120 guests at our Inn. It's crazy to me that we have that many people. I love them all. It's really a driving force for me lately.
This has been a week. It's been complicated and hard and stressful for so many reasons. I've been on the verge of taking my panic attack meds more than once. I keep saying I'm going to do better about maintaining these weekly posts, and I always have good intentions, but I'm busy all the time now. Between writing and working and the Inn and having a child that's an adult but really still a child and some other family things happening. I will try to be better about it.
There is a new Taylor Swift album coming out at MIDNIGHT TONIGHT! I honestly cannot wait. It's going to be devastatingly good. I can feel it. I'll probably end up staying up way later than I should while listening to the entire thing. The wait it KILLING ME!
I think that's all for this week. I'm exhausted.
Until next week ♥
The map of Hearth is in Rage, but I have these rough drawings of Tarum and Vale. I made them in paint, so they aren't exactly fabulous, BUT! They will be drawn up and amazing at some point! (also, pretend my scribbles on there are decent lol)
TARUM:
I needed a shower. The problem with amazing workouts was always having to change after. When I could just be home, it wasn’t a big deal. Having to be on campus meant sharing shower space and locker rooms. At least I hadn’t run into anyone yet.
Almost there.
“Ready for one of your
own?” Alex said.
I groaned internally
while turning to face her. I’d been so close to making it to the showers.
“Do I have to?” I asked.
“I still feel like I barely know what I’m doing.”
I flashed her a smile and
looked down at my feet. It was what she wanted. She laughed and handed me the
file.
“I’m glad you’re still
willing to learn from me!”
“Well, you are the best
there is,” I said as she pulled me into a hug. I resisted the urge to roll my
eyes. “When does this one start?”
“He was just handed his
first assignment. So you can read up on it and then head out in the field to
keep an eye on him.”
I flashed her another
smile as she turned and walked back down the hallway. I hated the days I was
required to be on the campus. I’d been talking to Arthur more and more about
how everything around Garrote worked. I wanted out, but there wasn’t a way to
make that happen.
I walked into the locker
room and flopped down on one of the benches. It wasn’t a big folder. It would
be perfect if it was an easy in-and-out job. That would mean I wouldn’t have to
get involved in it. It would be nice if this one was decent. Arthur had told
some stories, and I really didn’t want to deal with one of those.
I flipped through the
relevant information. If it were my job, it’d only take a day, maybe two,
depending on how it looked on the first night. Hopefully, the new guy, Onyx,
would be on top of it. On the plus side, I knew I wouldn’t get many jobs while
watching him. It might be a good vacation.
I need to be better about these. Every week. I've been... busy. To say the least. I finally got the editing on Trust done and moved on to finish writing Moonlit. I'm not scheduled to edit it until May, but I've decided I need to get a little bit of a head start on it ahead of camp.
Speaking of camp! Sir Innkeeper, Lady Benevolent Witch, and I started our own Discord server! Because everything with NaNo is a mess... we've decided to hold our own writing events. We EXPLODED in members so fast we've been scrambling to manage it all. It's been great. I love it there. The people are great, and the vibes are the best. I'm super grateful for all of it!! So, I'll still be writing Waterlogged in April, it will just be for our event instead!
I'm spring cleaning this week, so I'm exhausted, BUT! My house will be clean! Like, really clean. Scrubbing the baseboards, cleaning out every cupboard and closet kinda clean. It'll be awesome when it's done, but right now, I'm feeling tired and sore and ready for it to all be over.
Something AMAZING happened this week! I wrote for a sub call about a year ago and I hadn't heard anything about it, so I just assumed they didn't take it. I got an email this week... THEY ARE GOING TO PUBLISH IT! Details will be coming soon! I'm super excited! I can't wait!
Ok, until next week ♥
Lyrics in my head:
and
“Vanessa!” someone yelled as they ran through the gathered
crowd. All of a sudden, I was almost knocked over as someone wrapped their arms
around me and squeezed. “I’ve missed you so much! I just wasn’t sure if you’d
want me to drop by.”
“Riley?” I asked, surprised. “They told me you’d moved to
Briar.”
“I came back after the attacks,” she said, eyes filled
with tears. “I knew they needed me here if it happened again.”
“You are always welcome to anywhere I am,” I said, pulling
her into another hug. I swallowed hard, trying to keep the tears back.
“Always.”
I hadn’t seen her since I dropped her off in the village
13 years ago. We were passing through and she wanted to stay. She was so young
then, but eager to learn from the fairies here and to help. She was, and always
would be, one of my kids. Seeing her, alive and taken care of, overwhelmed my
senses.
“Sorry, I know there is a lot going on, but when I was
told you were here… I just had to see you,” she said stepping back and wiping
her eyes.
Her long dark hair was swept up into a pony tail, and she
had dirt all over her face and clothes. I knew she would be grown now, but it
was hard to really believe it. She had been so young when James and I left her
here. Somehow, she had stayed that way in my mind.
“I’m really happy to see you, too,” I said, hastily wiping
the tears from my eyes. “I think about you a lot. I’m glad you’re well.”
“I’m going to help them defend this place,” she said,
clearing her throat. “I’ve been pushing my magic to build the strength.”
“Just make sure you take care of yourself, ok?” I said.
“You too,” she said.
“When this is over, I owe Lottie and Denis coffee,” Nic
said. “You're welcome to join us.”
“I would like that,” she said with a smile.
“I’ve got a few teams scattering to get the word out,” Ben
said as he marched back into the square. “We will make sure none of them fall.”
“Thank you,” Nic said, extending his hand.
Ben clasped Nic’s forearm and bowed his head slightly. A softness
slid across Nic’s face as he bowed his head in return.
“It will be an honor to serve with you,” Ben said.
They both pulled their hands back, pressed their fists
against their lips, and then lay their palms flat against their chests.
“The honor is all mine,” Nic said.
“I can’t pull many,” Arthur said, jaw clenched. “It will
draw attention.”
“Do what you can,” I said. “We’ve gotta make this fast.”
He pulled out his phone and started barking orders. I
needed to stay out of sight. We didn’t need the Cabinet interested in my
movements. I wanted to storm into one of these buildings and force them to act.
That didn’t go well for me the last time.
“Don’t forget to breathe, V,” James said softly. “You’re
going to combust.”
“I’m over their bullshit,” I snarled. “How hard would it
be to just overthrow them a little bit and take over until this is settled?”
“Probably not a good idea to talk about treason while standing behind a
government building…” he said. “Or in front of someone that works for them.”
“She’s fine,” the witch said. “I agree with her. Vanessa
and Erica got us through the attack on Prush. I’m in for whatever the two of
them need.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “What was your name?”
“Trish,” she said.
“I’ve been meeting a lot of people lately. I might forget
again,” I said.
“I’ll help her remember,” James said with a genuine smile.
“It’s ok,” Trish said. “You have a lot going on. If you or
Erica need anything from someone in the capital, just shoot me a message and
I’ll do what I can.”
“Thank you,” I started.
“If someone can get me a portal, we’ll be ready to go,”
Arthur interrupted.
“Sure, where to?” I asked.
“Near the barracks.”
“I’ve never been there,” I said.
“I’ve got it.”
Trish opened the portal and we stepped through. There was
a group of 15 men waiting for us. All of them were grim. I didn’t know how much
Arthur told them, but we needed to move before I filled them in any further.
“Are you good to stay here?” I asked Trish.
“Yep. Let me know if you need anything else,” she said
with a wave.
(All excerpts are taken from a lightly edited first draft. Contents may change or be removed entirely from the finished novel.)
