Healthy Choices?

Due to all of the crazy I talked about last week. I haven't been taking my meds consistently. I know I need to. I mean to. But everything is a mess, and I've been struggling to actually do it. Now that I'm taking them regularly again, I feel better? Shocking, I know. So that's been helping me get back to a place where being productive is possible. I need to keep that going. 

Because of everything happening, I'm woefully behind on all the things. Blog maintenance, working, editing, socializing... Just everything. So it's a little overwhelming to get going again. It's something I've always wondered how normal people do it (yes, normal people. The Precise Keeper of Time and C.O. heavily dislike when I say that lol). With everything happening and the emotions and the struggle... just going back to living normally and being productive feels very hard. Unsurmountable some days. It's going to be a process. 

With that, I've decided I'm not writing in November. The book I was scheduled to write then would be the first book in a new series (Drift, Book One of Collide), and it wouldn't be published until October of 2027. It doesn't have to be written this year. It can wait. So, I modified my schedule to write Drift next year. I think it will be ok. We'll see. I'm a little stressed that I'm dropping a writing month, but I'm so far behind on edits right now that trying to do everything I had planned for the year isn't realistic anymore. 

I don't know how much I've mentioned it, but I have my writing schedule mapped out until the end of 2030. I know what books I'm writing and when. All of it has some pretty tight turnaround on them. I like to keep myself busy. I do better when I'm busy. Downtime has a tendency to make my mental health spiral. 

So, here's a peek into what my writing schedule looks like for this year and next: 

Don't mind the emojis. I have these listed in my room (channel) in the Discord server I admin. They are all animated lol so they look a little crazy without the animations. Tbf, it's still kind of crazy when they are all moving, but it's a good crazy. My kind of crazy. This is the revised one. I was actually supposed to be almost through round two of edits on Waterlogged by now. I'm barely halfway through the first round. It'll all get done. I guess I needed some grace for a bit. I'm not thrilled, but it's fine. 

Ok, I need to get back to things. 
Until next week ♥

The lyrics in my head this week are a bit odd, but we used to sing this to Tig when he was a kitten. It's his song. He's my Big Tig. Tigger Bear. Sweet Boy. 

The wonderful thing about Tiggers,
Is Tigger's are wonderful things!
Their tops are made of rubber,
Their bottoms are made of springs! 
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy,
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!
But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers, 
Is he's the only one! 

Disorganized Chaos

 There has been a lot. Then I realized I hadn't checked on blog things and saw a placeholder post went out. I deleted it now, but it shouldn't have posted. When things are going well for me, I queue up a lot of things. I also have placeholders so I don't have to think about when or the times or anything like that when I am getting content ready. It's a system that was working well for me... until I fell behind and dropped all the balls I was juggling, and it's all kind of a mess right now. Over the next week I plan to make an attempt to clean it all up. 

I haven't talked about it much, if at all, on here because... well, a lot of reason, but some level of privacy was some of it. Two years ago, my dad was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer. They gave him three to six months. Well, he showed them that Staudacher's are stubborn as all hell. He blew their timeline out of the water. He lived four times longer than their best guesses. He passed last week. There have been a lot of big emotions. I'm not good at big emotions. I do a lot of avoiding them. C.O and I have been working on it. 

To add more complicated emotions to the mix, my cat, Tigger (13), is now on kitty hospice. He had what I thought was an infection in his lip. Took him to the vet and found out a tumor was growing under his gums, had dislodged all the teeth on the upper right side, and caused them to rot. He had his surgery to remove the teeth, and they tested the tumor. It's a very aggressive form of cancer. There isn't anything they can really do for him. So he's on pain meds now. Once he starts declining, I'll have to have him put to sleep. I got this news five days before my dad died. He's in good spirits. Still loves his treats, pretends he dislikes the cuddles (but starts purring immediately), and has been acting like my normal Big Tig. It won't be long, though. 

So, I'm a mess of things right now. A lot has fallen off to the side in disarray. I need to start pulling it all back together again. That's what this next week is going to be about. In theory. I have a million things that need my attention. Maybe I can get that down to 900,000 by the end of the month. 

Until next week (probably) ♥

Cult Anyone?

 I have a cult now. I can't really tell you how it happened. I came back to the Inn after being busy and was greeted with several people telling me they were my followers. It had something to do with daily word counts, that's really all I know! So. I'm a cult leader! I bless people with cookies (provided by my favorite Confused Cookie Goddess) and writing motivation. 

I know I've talked about the Inn, but I wanna talk about it some more. I love it there so much. It's the writing community I've always wanted. It was what I thought I had in the other group I belonged to. Turns out, vibes are hard to maintain when the leaders of a space don't model the correct behavior. With the Inn, we control that, and it's happy and supportive and just a fantastic group of people I adore being around. We're close to 120 guests at our Inn. It's crazy to me that we have that many people. I love them all. It's really a driving force for me lately. 

This has been a week. It's been complicated and hard and stressful for so many reasons. I've been on the verge of taking my panic attack meds more than once. I keep saying I'm going to do better about maintaining these weekly posts, and I always have good intentions, but I'm busy all the time now. Between writing and working and the Inn and having a child that's an adult but really still a child and some other family things happening. I will try to be better about it. 

There is a new Taylor Swift album coming out at MIDNIGHT TONIGHT! I honestly cannot wait. It's going to be devastatingly good. I can feel it. I'll probably end up staying up way later than I should while listening to the entire thing. The wait it KILLING ME! 

I think that's all for this week. I'm exhausted. 

Until next week ♥

Lyrics in my head:

I gave you all my best me's, my endless empathy

And all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier

Fighting in only your army

Frontlines, don't you ignore me

I'm the best thing at this party

You're losing me

And I wouldn't marry me either

A pathological people pleaser

Who only wanted you to see her

Long days and Spring Cleaning

 I need to be better about these. Every week. I've been... busy. To say the least. I finally got the editing on Trust done and moved on to finish writing Moonlit. I'm not scheduled to edit it until May, but I've decided I need to get a little bit of a head start on it ahead of camp. 

Speaking of camp! Sir Innkeeper, Lady Benevolent Witch, and I started our own Discord server! Because everything with NaNo is a mess... we've decided to hold our own writing events. We EXPLODED in members so fast we've been scrambling to manage it all. It's been great. I love it there. The people are great, and the vibes are the best. I'm super grateful for all of it!! So, I'll still be writing Waterlogged in April, it will just be for our event instead! 

I'm spring cleaning this week, so I'm exhausted, BUT! My house will be clean! Like, really clean. Scrubbing the baseboards, cleaning out every cupboard and closet kinda clean. It'll be awesome when it's done, but right now, I'm feeling tired and sore and ready for it to all be over. 

Something AMAZING happened this week! I wrote for a sub call about a year ago and I hadn't heard anything about it, so I just assumed they didn't take it. I got an email this week... THEY ARE GOING TO PUBLISH IT! Details will be coming soon! I'm super excited! I can't wait! 

Ok, until next week ♥

Lyrics in my head:

And I wouldn't marry me either
A pathological people pleaser 
Who only wanted you to see her
And I'm fadin', thinkin'

and

All that I am 
All that I ever was
Is here your perfect eyes
They're all I can see

Anxiety, Heartburn, and New Meds! Oh My!

 November has been a long month. Like really long. The longest month in the history of months. Ok, I'm probably being dramatic. It's fine. I've been struggling with the anxiety ratcheting up for a while now, but man.. it's gotten so bad. That's where the new meds come in. They are supposed to be super awesome and will help me a ton... I just have to get through the intro period. I'm going back and forth between sleeping 16 hours a day and 4 hours a day. Basically, whenever I'm awake... I'm exhausted. More than exhausted. Barely human really. That has finally started to lessen, but now the heartburn is setting in. It's so terrible. I've always had acid reflux. I have so many treatments at my disposal for it... they are not working. So I feel like I have a pool ball lodged in my throat. It's so great. I'm so excited about it. I learned that sucking on something helps. Guess who has had a caramel hard candy in their mouth almost constantly all day to avoid the pain? Not me eating an entire bag of candy today 🙃

OK! On to other thing now. Due to... the previous paragraph... NaNo basically didn't happen. I mean, it did, and if you go to the profile there, it will tell you I completed it, but I didn't hit my goal of 125k. I barely broke 50k. Which, lemme tell you, isn't making me feel super great with the whole anxiety thing. However, my Eternal Keeper of Time and Eternal Confused Cookie Goddess have informed me I have to give myself grace. That I need to accept that life happened and it's ok to not be where I had planned to be. My mom and C.O. agree. Now, the trick is to get my anxiety to agree to those terms (spoiler: it's not going well.) 

I've done some organizing in my life. I mean, I had some of this done before, but I've been working on modifications to it. I have a writing schedule planned out until like... the end of 2026. I already have names for the rest of the Justified series books! I also already found a series to work start writing once I wrap up the Justified series. The thought of that is bittersweet. I'm excited to see it come to a close, but at the same time... I really love being with these characters. I'm hoping once I have the remaining books finished, I will have closure with them, but we'll see. It will end at four novels and two anthologies.

I'm going to be messing with the formatting of the post schedule here. Every two weeks might be a thing until the end of the year, but I'd like to get back to weekly posts. I like them. I just don't have the content for that right now. Getting more put together has been harder with everything going on, so I finally reached the end of the line (aside from excerpts, which I pull as I'm writing). I'm also going to try to get back to making these weekly-whatevers.... actually weekly. 

I'm on Insta now!! You can find me at _falling.in.place_ I try to post something every couple of days, but it depends on what else is happening. So, go follow me there!

Ok, I need to work on things. December is going to be busy as hell for me as I try to get this ship righted again. 

One more thing... HOW BOUT THOSE LIONS!!!! 8-3 BABY!! 8-3!!! that is all

Until next week ♥

Moonlight and Honey

I've been struggling with my anxiety a lot lately. It's gotten pretty bad. To help deal with it, I'm changing my meds. I think it will be good, but it can take 2-4 weeks for them to truly take hold. So, I've been a little bit of a mess. But it's fine. This is fine... To ease some of the things I'm trying to maintain right now, I've changed the blog schedule. The weekly whatever posts will still be weekly (mostly), but the extras and excerpts are now going out every two weeks instead of every week. It gives me more time to be on top of things. I might change it back once I get everything on track again, we'll see. 

SO! I wanted things to make me happy. Today, I bought three new candles!! Moonlight and honey is the name of one of them. It smells so good!!The other two are applewood and incense and sea and land.  The jars are pretty, the scents are pretty, and I'm very happy I decided to buy them today. I'm sitting here right now (on Thursday??) writing this while the moonlight and honey candle burns. 

I haven't written anything yet today, so I'm going to finish this up and then go do that. The goals for NaNo this time around require about 4k words a day. That may or may not sound like a lot. I'm here to tell you... it's a lot. I work better under some pressure. Usually. Unless it's too much pressure and I push through while having a breakdown. It's hard to say. BUT! The words will get written today. 

The thing with drafts is they don't have to be good. First drafts just... aren't good. They aren't necessarily bad (but they can be, or at least have really bad parts), but they just aren't good. The writing process is messy as hell. Ideas show up and they sound great and you write them and you're like, "OMG I LOVE IT!!" aaaaand then you realize it broke like eight other parts of the book and have to figure out what to do about it. When I wrote my first book it took me a very long time. I was convinced it needed to be written the way it would be published. That everything needed to be smooth and polished as I went. That I needed to stop and edit along the way to make sure I was going in the right direction. Rage was the same way in the beginning. I've let that go, mostly, and now I can write the books in about a month. That just means drafting months have a tight schedule. If I miss a day of writing I'm 4k words behind. I just have to keep up with it. 

Football starts soon. I'm not super invested in this particular game (but the Bears are in my division, so I care a little, even though they are very... not good). So I'm going to go write and watch football and enjoy my cheesecake (my birthday was Monday!) and bask in my candle. Tonight will be a good night. Because I said so damnit. 

Until next week ♥

Lyrics in my head:

I've been having a hard time adjusting 

I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting 

I didn't know if you'd care if I came back

I have a lot of regrets about that 

Pulled my car off the road to the lookout 

Could've followed my fears all the way down 

And maybe I don't quite know what to say

But I'm here in your doorway

ARE. YOU. READY!!

 NaNo is officially here!! It feels good to be writing new words again. Editing isn't my favorite, but I know that's where the story happens. That is the place where the idea turns into a book proper. The writing process is kind of messy, and nothing is certain (for me anyway), so the editing is where the real magic is. Being away from writing new gets hard. It feels good to be at it again! Moonlit is now on it's way to being a real thing!! 

I've been in a kind of a weird place lately. As demonstrated by missing a few Thursday's in a row... I think some of it was anticipation anxiety for the writing of the things. It's something that's hard to explain. It's like being so excited it makes you anxious for it? lol I've been busy as hell, which I think helps and makes it worse all at the same time. The busy keeps me distracted, but can also push toward burnout. I'm working on finding a balance. 

I've found a new game to be obsessed with. It's called House Flipper? It's addicting as hell. The entire thing is about renovating houses. It's fairly realistic, too (sometimes too realistic lol). Not only have I been putting a lot of time into it, I've gotten my mom hooked on it! It's just kind of... relaxing. You can just decorate the houses and then move on to a new one. It's been great. 

I have a bunch more things to get accomplished. Hopefully everything falls into place and the entire month of November goes smoothly. Is that asking for too much? 

Until next week ♥

Lyrics in my head: 

Didn't they tell us, 'don't rush into things' 

Didn't you flash your green eyes at me

Didn't you calm my fears with a Cheshire Cat smile 

Ooh didn't it all seem new and exciting 

I felt your arms twistin around me

It's all fun and games, til somebody loses their mind

But darling

We found wonderland, you and I got lost in it

And we pretended it could last forever 

AND 

Remember when we couldn't take the heat 

I walked out and said, 'I'm setting you free' 

But the monsters turned out to be just trees 

When the sun came up you were looking at me

Is it naptime? It feels like naptime.

 I've missed three Thursdays now... I think (and now it's Saturday 😅). It's hard to say. There was some last minute scrambling to get Rage published (which, it is now! Links in the sidebar), I was trying to get the website all squared away, and then all the normal chaos that seems to make up my life. I might have things under control now she says pretending that isn't the fourth time it's been said... this week.

NaNo starts in a few days and I'll be writing for it. I'm hoping this will go smoothly. I have a plan, and I'm excited about all the stuff that's going inside this one. It's going to be a while before it's published (tentatively looking at June of 25).

Ok I'm tired. The sleep is broken again, my schedule was crazy, and I'm actually looking forward to the peace of writing an entire book in a month. 

Until next week hopefully ♥

Let's Play Pretend

 Today is totally not Friday. It's Thursday, and this is not 24 hours late. 

I spent all of yesterday and today working on formatting. I ran into some issues with structure on some of the versions of Rage. Each platform I publish on has different requirements and my laptop was protesting. It's good now! Everything is pretty much done! RAGE IS DONE! I'm so excited about that lol It's been a long time in the making, and I'm glad it's about to go out there in the world. It's up for pre-order right now. Links are in the sidebar! October 16th is the official release date. It's happening.

I'm still woefully behind schedule on... everything. It's fine. I'm fine. I'm about to go back to look at Matchstick again. I'm hoping to have that done with enough time to at least finish one round of Trust edits. Depending on how everything is looking, I'll be editing while I write for NaNo. I really need to get Trust out to my lovely Betas. I want to leave it up there for four months. Which puts me on a tight timeline with Camp Nano in April. I will make it work! 

There was a Thing that had been looming since July. I didn't realize how much the stress was getting to me until it was finally resolved. I got word today that it's DONE, it's OVER, I don't have to worry about it anymore. The Thing was mostly resolved about a week ago, but the letter I got today signing off on it was huge. One less thing for me to worry about. It's not like I'm going to replace it with another thing(s) to stress about shortly because why not? 

See football is way down here this week. It's still been such a good year for us! Having a team that can play?? What?? It's so great! 3-1 feels good. 4-1 is going to feel even better! 

Ok, I need to do things. I'm still busy as hell and probably will be for the next couple of months. I don't know why I do this to myself, it's fine.

Until next week ♥

Lyrics in my head: 

No one should take themselves so seriously 

With many years ahead to fall in line 

Why would you wish that on me 

I never wanna act my age

What's my age again

What's my age again 

AND 

I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck 

Than any boy you'll ever meet, sweetie you had me 

Girl, I was it, look past the sweat , a better love deserving of 

Exchanging body heat in the passenger seat 

No, no, no, you know it will always just be me

Spiced Cider, Hot Soup, and Chilly Days

 Fall is really here in all of it's glory! Soup is one of my favorites, and I can't have it over the summer. There has been a lot of soup lately and it makes me happy. It's something that I really needed. I've got a lot going on, and getting to settle in with a hot dinner is the best. 

So, I don't know what happened last week. Somehow Thursday just sort of... got away from me. I need to be more careful about that. I did, however, get a few days off to do... nothing. It was great. My brain was tired. I needed to have that time to separate myself from it all. 

I'm jumping back into things tomorrow. I've been dipping my toes back in a little bit. I'm getting a website off the ground! So, there are going to be some changes. Links might be a little weird. I have to decide how I want all the things to work before I actually make the website live. Hopefully by next week it will be ready to go! 

Rage is on track. I'm checking and double checking then checking again to make sure it happens the way I want it to. I'm hopeful! I've also decided on what I'm doing for NaNo. There have been a few stories I wanted to get out relating to Justified, so... I'm doing it. As of now, there a ton of them I want to go in there. It will depend on how long it is when it's done. We'll see. IT ALSO HAS A NAME! The anthology will be named Moonlit! I'm pretty excited about it! 

Football things are going to be happening! I'm off to eat tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich while watching the Lions! 

Until next week ♥

Lyrics in my head: 

Got a secret, can you keep it

Swear this one you'll save

Better lock it in your pocket

Takin this one to the grave

If I show you, then I know you 

Won't tell what I said

Cause two can keep a secret

If one of them is dead

IN THEIR OWN HOUSE!

 Ok, I promise I'm not going to make this all football all the time. BUT! The Lions beat the Chiefs. In their own home. On opening night for the season. In primetime. IT'S A BIG DEAL. I'm over the moon!!! THIS IS OUR YEAR! Sure there has only been the one game and there are 16 left to play, it's fine. We are KILLIN it so far. 

The overhauling is going. I'm feeling good about the timeline right now. I should be able to get everything done that I need to get done. As of now, Rage will still be released on October 16th! I've been spending almost every waking moment on it. I'm going to be exhausted when this is done, BUT! It will be done and that's what matters right? 

I've been doing a lot of music lately. I switched out to my motivational playlist. It's helped a lot. When I'm not editing stuff to music, I have shows about ✨ M U R D E R ✨ playing. I probably watch too many things about murder. It's fine. There was a really good one about neighbors.   

I have messed up the sleeping again somehow. I don't know what I did with it, but it's broken. There has been a lot of waking up at night, and I don't like that. Even if I'm not awake very long... it's still not sleeping, ya know? I'll be happy when this phase goes away again. 

I'm going to be incredibly busy until late next week, then I'm hoping things will slow down a little bit. I'm supposed to be writing another book in November. I'm still not 100% sure what I'm writing (even though one of the pocket besties is really pushing hard for one particular project lol). We shall see. I've been told it might be a good idea to not write a book in November. I haven't decided yet. 

Ok, editing and football await! 

Until next week ♥

Lyrics in my head: 

I'm in love with all the voices inside my head
You're so beautiful inside, but inside I'm dead
Just another broken dream in my lonely bed
You're so beautiful inside, but inside I'm dead

AND

My heart's a dumpster fire burning all damn day 
It's filled with memories of us it all went up in flames
Maybe it's trash, maybe it's really not that bad 
But the smoke from what you broke keeps growing higher 
While I'm trying to find some peace of mind 
In this dumpster fire 

LET'S GO

 THE NFL SEASON IS KICKING OFF!!!!!! I'm so excited. My Lion's are going to be playing. We are going to win. It will be awesome. Today is such a happy day!!! 

The last week has been... a week. BUT I'm getting ok with it. I'm doing the things that need to be done, including last minute overhauling of a few things in Rage. Here's to hoping I can pull it off in time. I don't want to delay release... I'm trying to push it ahead. I'm confident I can do it!

I also killed the Moon Lord! I finally did a full play through of the Terraria. Now I'm just messing around in there doing fun things there and trying to nail all the achievements. I like seeing completions. So, I'm going to do it! 

Ok, I have FOOTBALL things to do! XD

Until next week ♥

Living in Caves and Trees

 Allergies are such an asshole. Two days in the last week I have been miserable... Nose running, sneezing all the time, head hurting, and, my favorite thing, hives! I'm over it. I need a magic wand to keep them away. It's getting ridiculous. I'm over it. 

I got to talk to C.O. yesterday!!! It was so awesome! We had to do a bunch of paperwork since it's a new agency, but it's fine. I'll see him in two weeks and we can talk about all the things that have been going on. I'm super excited about it. I've been really struggling lately. It's just been getting worse, so maybe now I will be able to get in a better headspace. 

I'm still fighting off the burnout from all the writing. Maybe writing two books within three months is a lot. That doesn't mean I'm going to stop doing it. I need to be writing and editing and doing all the things. I just need to figure out how to cope better. 

FOOTBALL STARTS NEXT WEEK! Can you tell I'm excited? I have been waiting for an eternity. Or what feels like an eternity anyway. The Lions are going to be awesome! It will be awesome! 

There has been a lot of building happening in Terraria. It's how I've been coping. There will be more building soon. I love all of the things in there. It makes me happy. It's not done yet, buuuut here is progress on the treeeeeee: 

Ok, that's enough. 

Until next week ♥

Lyrics in my head: 

When you came in, the air went out 
And all the shadows, filled up with doubt 
I don't know who you think you are 
But before the night is through 
I want to do bad things with you

Being Well Adjusted is Overrated

 Guess who got a phone call from C.O.?? I DID!!!! The program is opening up, I get my therapist back!! I've really been feeling the loss lately and having him back is going to be amazing. I don't know when the first appointment will be. I am waiting to hear from intake about getting it set up. So, hopefully it will be soon and then all the things will be so much better!! 

The last week has been full of crazy. It's been a lot, and I spent the weekend hiding in Terraria and talking to the Pocket Besties. I needed that time to chill out away from all of the things. I think I'm getting back into it. I just needed to get over whatever weird thing was happening to me. Bi-polar is stupid and it fucks with all the things sometimes. I'm feeling like everything is starting to level out again, add in the help I'll have from C.O. soon and things are going to be great!

The second round of edits on Trust is going really well! I don't know what it is about seeing it in print that makes it so much different, but it does. I see so many more things that I wish I had in there. I'm feeling much better about the entire book now. It also helps I have people over here telling me things will be ok. I'm just feeling the stress of getting this done. I still have to do the Final Pass of Rage before I release it (which will hopefully be on October 16!). 

I have a new playlist!!! One of the Pocket Besties and I made a playlist together, and she put so much good music in there that I have stolen for my own things lol One of the lyrics in my head this week is from one of those songs! New playlists make me happy. 

I'm already looking ahead to November because I cannot help myself. At all. I need to figure out what I'm writing for NaNo. I have too many things... there is a stand alone I am thinking of doing. Each of my series need the third books written. Plus, a character that appeared in Trust is getting a novella... There is the book I was shoved into writing too... So many choices. I don't know what I am doing with my life right now lol I should figure that out. We'll see. I should probably take care of what I am doing right now instead of worrying about what I'm going to be doing in November...

There has been thunderstorms! There has been lightning! It's been a while since there has been a good storm and I've been so excited about it! We are supposed to get another one tonight at some point. I'm hoping it's good! My cats are less than thrilled about it, but Peanut has been gluing herself to me for protection. So she's ok. She knows her mommy will keep her safe. 

Terraria... if you don't play it, you should! It's so great! The castle in the sky has been undergoing renovations. I think it's much better now. I'm happy about it. It's not done, but it's getting there. I also started a new world focused on cool unique houses. I'm sure I will play it like it should be played too, but I just really wanted a sandbox to mess around in. I triggered hardmode in the main world I'm playing. When some of the things happen... it makes it hard to just enjoy building lol but it's fine. I like all the hardmode stuff too. So I'm bouncing around between pretty buildings and killing all the things. 

Ok, I need to be editing. 

Until next week ♥

Lyrics in my head: 

My heart's a dumpster fire burning all damn day 
It's filled with memories of us it all went up in flames 
Maybe it's trash, maybe it's really not that bad
But the smoke from what you broke keeps growing higher 
While I'm trying to find some peace of mind 
In this dumpster fire 

AND 

What do you reckon, is it just me?
Words are weapons and occasionally they cut deep 
Crisis of confidence, it tends to come when I feel the dark 
And I open my heart 
If you don't see it, you should trust me 
I feel like I got nothing left right now 
Except this beauty in a dress right now
She got me feeling like the best, and the rest are just less 

There Needs to be More Coffee

 So. Last week happened. It definitely happened, and I was not on top of things at all. There's that. I've been extra tired lately. The sleeping isn't working like it should be, and my sleep app is telling me I need to 15 hours of sleep tonight to make up for my sleep debt lol That's not going to be a thing that happens. Less sleeping means more coffee. And some redbull too. 

Speaking of Coffee... While Chris was off to Costa Rica for his honeymoon, he bought me coffee. It was from a village there, and it was soooo good! So, so good. Unfortunately... it's gone now. That's really sad. I mean, it's ok. I like my coffee a lot. So, Costa Rican coffee will be a treat from time to time! Chris plans to go back out there because he loved it there so much! He will bring me coffee XD My love language is definitely coffee. lol 

I'm moving through these edits!! It's been a journey back through this book. I was convinced when I was writing it that it was awful and I would need to scrap it. Turns out... that isn't true lol There are definitely some things that need to be fixed, but it's not awful. Which makes me feel a lot better than I did before! 

I now have a writing group inside my writing group! I hide in there sometimes. It's great. Plus, it's like a place where all the words can be said and there isn't any judgment. Bitching, chatting, writing, brainstorming. It's pretty awesome, and I'm happy. There's already plans for road trips, kidnapping, and books with coffee. There will be baking too. BAKING. Who wouldn't be happy under these conditions?

Something my sister and I have always done is have weird ebbs and flows of socializing. It one of those things that just is. Right now she is having a hide inside herself phase. Which means... I am spamming her with love song lyrics and cheesy GIFs. It's fine. She is cool with it :p We are weird people, and I love her so much! 

Fall is coming!! It's my favorite season by far. I'm in love with it. I can't wait. It's the best one, and that is a hill I will die on! I want all the spiced cider, apple pies, and donuts. Give me hot coffee and cool nights. Sweatshirts and cozy blankets. I'm excited. I'm ready for it. 

Do you know what else that all means? Football is back!!!! I mean, it's preseason right now, but it's football nonetheless. We are going to crush it this year. We are going to be awesome. We are going to the playoffs. It's happening, and I won't let anyone tell me otherwise. 

Until next week ♥

Lyrics in my head:

In my defense, I have none
For never leaving well enough alone
It woulda been fun
If you woulda been the one

AND

There's a memory on my mind, it keeps on coming back
Made a promise to myself I wouldn't let it get this bad
Now I'm lying wide awake, sleepless in my bed
My hearts a frozen lake, there's ice inside my chest

Apparently... It's Thursday...

 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. It is after 11pm and I just realized this didn't happen. After CampNaNo, my brain was fried. I took days to not do things... then I forgot to do this... So. Here it is. Late. And I'm tired lol 

I finished writing Trust! It's done! I did it! 110,115 words in 31 days. After Matchstick I was afraid it was a fluke, but I think I can make this work more often! I might have a very good system down for all future books. Depending on how long they get... I might need to be careful about doing the whole thing in a month... but it will be fine. It's not like I'm prone to taking on more than I can handle and stressing myself out or anything... >.>

I know there was more I had planned on saying this week. I cannot think of any of it. It helps when I am not trying to write it so late at night... So, maybe that will end up moved to next week.. We'll see lol 

Until next week ♥

Lyrics in my head: 

If I go crazy 
Then will you still call me superman 
If I'm alive and well 
Will you be there to hold my hand

Super Interesting and Unique Title

I try to name things somewhat related to something for the week. This is not the week. I don't know what it is, but sleep has not been my friend. I'm exhausted all the time, more so than usual. I had a whopping 1.5 hours of sleep the other night. So. That has been really fun lol 

The words have been hard. I'm behind. Again By like 2700 words. I need to get over 6k today to be on track again. I'm running out of days to play catch up. NaNo ends on Monday. I think a major part of it is because it's so close to the end. The first chapter is hard. The last quarter of the book is hard... at least for me. So. I'm struggling. 

I don't toss too much of this out there because... well, just because... but there is a person in my life determined to drive what's left of my sanity away. There is nothing I can do about it but attempt to ignore them. My noise canceling headphones help, but on Tuesday it was not enough. My nerves are already shot and I can tell you... that didn't help any. 

This has just not been a good week overall. There were some good things. I'm trying to focus on those. Like some of the crows and I dragged another crow into a whole new world and that has been endlessly entertaining lol My best friend put in an offer on a house and it was accepted! It's the cutest house omg. Him and his wife already have so many plans for it. I'm excited for them. There have been a lot of good conversations with several people in my life. So, I'm focusing on that. 

I need to be writing this book. I'm actually writing this TODAY. Not just making sure it's good to go like I do most weeks. So I think that will be all for now. 

Until next week ♥

Lyrics in my head: 

Pulled the car off the lookout
Could've followed my fears all the way down 
And maybe I don't know quite what to say
But I'm here in your doorway

The Lions Look Good This Year

 I know we say that every year, but this year is different! I swear! This really is our year. It has to be. We looked good at the end of last season. We have so much promise for this season. As of the time this posts, there is exactly 49 days until the Lion's first game of the regular season! Which is actually the opener of the whole NFL regular season. It's going to be great. Trust me. 

I'm on a little behind on NaNo... I've hit the halfway point in the book. Which makes it easier and harder all at the same time. I don't plan my books out. Vanessa lives in my head and tells me things. I know some things I want to happen or a general direction the book is going in, but none of the specifics. I'm just as surprised by a lot of the things as everyone else. The thing about being at a halfway point, is things need to start pointing to a resolution. I have to make sure to reign the story in. Sometimes it works better than other. Edits makes it all look intentional lol 

I've been reading more again, and it's awesome. I'm still working on Empire of Storms. That's how much reading I haven't been doing... Usually a book this size can be done in under a week (and that's if I'm on top of limiting time reading, otherwise like two days). I think I've had this one open for... I don't even know, but it's been a while. After this one, there is only two more books left in the series and I move on to Crescent City. I'm still salty at how long I have to wait for the ACOTAR book... I need to know things there. TOG is a completed series, so I will get an ending. I guess CC is still running too. It's like torture I tell you. 

I'm pulling it all back together again this week. I'm not going to be morose. I have a lot happening and most of it is good. Going to focus on that. C.O. would be proud. I'm also doing some reading for a couple of the crows. So that's something else for me to focus on. I haven't decided how healthy it is, but we can just pretend the bad stuff isn't there and find other things to do lol I know there has to be a balance in there, but I'm not good at balance 

The castle in the sky in Terraria is complete. Now I'm working on the second one while also deciding I need to do some more progression stuff. So my evenings have been relaxing with Terraria and watching Suits. I need that time to do nothing of importance to keep hold of my sanity. 

Until next week ♥

Lyrics in my head: 

Let's go to hell together
We can burn forever 
I've got nothing better to do 
You know that I'm not a rebel 
I just know the devil 
Can't be much worse than me and you

AND

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home 
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you

To My Crows, With Love

For distractions on the worst of days. 

For listening to all the crazy in my life. 

For the lack of judgment. 

For silly conversations. 
For GIF spam, both with love and with wild inappropriateness.
For the shared love of explosions and murder (fictionally speaking).
For the word count races. 
For planning impossible road trips.
For the help. 
For motivation and inspiration. 
For a special brand of weird. 
For a place I feel comfortable in. 

With another hard week running, having the crows has been a life saver for me. It's been a place I spend a lot of time in now. I have discord open almost all time. The turns tabling have been pushed away. I feel better. I mean, I'm still struggling, and I can still feel the weight of the stress, but it's been easier to carry with me. Even when I don't talk about the exactness of it... Just being in there brings me a level of peace. I am forever grateful. 

The writing has been going. One of the crows in particular races me all the time. It's one of the best ways to getting writing done when you are as competitive as I am! Due to some events yesterday, I'm behind for CampNaNo. I'm going to get it back on track by the end of the weekend and hope to get ahead next week. Having a cushion in there is nice when days like yesterday happen. I'm feeling more confident in my ability to get this done. Writing Vanessa again is coming easier. I know I will have to push some stuff in the beginning around since I couldn't nail her voice down in the first few chapters, but it's doable. 

Vanessa's story means a lot to me. After writing my first book way back when, I was going through some stuff. I was struggling with my identity as a writer. I didn't write anything for years. Vanessa gave me the spark back. When I started her story, I was still struggling. A lot. buuut she was persistent. While Harley and her story will always be close to my heart, Vanessa brought back my passion for stories. 

Parenting is one of the hardest things I've ever done. Seeing all the problems she might have and knowing I can't stop them... I can't make her listen to me. I remember what it's like to have grand plans with a naïve expectation of how the world will be. No matter how many conversations we have, no matter what insight I can give her... I'm still just mom, and mom's just don't get it. The entirety of is has been weighing on me a lot. In five months she will be an adult. There is this spiral of guilt that I didn't do enough or that I should've made different choices. I guess that remains to be seen. I've had a lot of conversations with my mom about how she handled this transition. It helps some. Maybe in a few years I'll feel better about it all. We'll see. 

The music has been hitting so much harder lately too. I'm feeling everything deeper than normal, and I already feel things hard. Some of it is just my personality, some of it is being an empath, and I know some of it is the bi-polar. I live my life in extremes. I'm not happy, I'm ecstatic. I'm not sad, I'm devastated. I'm not angry, I'm furious. Even my baseline runs high or low depending on the day. Music has this ability to pull the emotions even harder, but sometimes (like now), it's even more impactful. I'm still obsessing over Taylor. Speak Now (Taylor's Version) just dropped, and I'm all about it. Everything is so good. I've got a lot of Ed Sheeran in there too. After listening to his two newest albums... I'm obsessed there too. 

Because of the crows talking all about the Steam Summer Sale... we got to talking about Terraria. One of them teamed up with me to get people to buy it lol Soooo I've been playing it a lot again. I love this game so much. It's so fantastic. I really want to play all day, but I know I can't do that. So it's become my reward for doing all the writing things. Currently working on a castle in the sky. Do you know how much stone it takes to make enough grey brick for a castle to house all the NPCs? A lot. It takes a lot. I keep running out lol 

Ok, I think that's enough. I'm a little morose this week, sorry lol

Until next week ♥

Lyrics in my head:

My bad habits lead to late nights ending alone 
Conversations with a stranger I barely know 
Swearin this will be the last but it probably wont
I got nothin left to lose, or use, or do

AND

And there we are again when no one had to know 
You kept me like a secret, but I kept you like an oath 
Sacred prayer and we'd swear
To remember it all too well

The Turns May be Table-ing

 I seriously hate the fourth of July. Yes, I know, fun killer... whatever. I live in a city neighborhood. The houses are close together and close to the street. There are 100 year old trees everywhere. Yes, lets set off professional grade fireworks in the street. PERFECT. Why not. This year someone has taken to setting off M80s in the neighborhood too. Nothing like sitting outside and then having what amounts to a bomb going off. For like two weeks I get to be increasingly more paranoid someone is going to set the street on fire (a few years ago, they did set a tree on fire) until my final anxiety fueled spiral on the fourth itself...  Which this year included people down the street knocking the power line off their house with a firework and knocking the power out to half the block. 

It's always bad. I hate it. My cats hate it. So, I hate the fourth, and I'm always happy when it's over.

Said stress about the fireworks only adds to the other stress I've got going on right now. Thankfully, the fireworks are about done. Probably a couple more days of occasional ones, buuuut for the most part, it's better. I'm really hoping there is a light at the end of the tunnel for the rest of it soon. Some of it is parenting related. The Child Unit will be an adult in six months. I don't know how that happened, but I'm a little bit freaking out about it. So. That's a thing I'm worried about. The other stuff isn't mine to tell. It's hitting in waves, but it's been hard. 

The music has been a rollercoaster lately. I'm bouncing between a playlist with nothing but Taylor Swift songs, a playlist a friend of mine made for summer, and the one I use to write Trust. There is some overlap there, but all of it has been a whirlwind in my head. It's fantastic. Music is one of my favorite things, and it helps everything so much. 

There hasn't been as much reading lately as I would like, but I'm working on it. CampNaNo has introduced some stressed of it's own in my life. I'm spending a lot more time in front of my laptop trying to make it happen. I'm keeping up, but barely. I really want to say I pulled it off. It would be so fantastic to know for sure I can write at this pace on the regular and that Matchstick wasn't a fluke. That remains to be seen. There is a lot of July left still. 

I said before, I'm productively adrift. I can feel myself pulling closer and closer to adrift and I need to stop that from happening. There is too much for me to do for me to get lost in the chaos of my mind... but I am overdue for it. Maybe I should be happy I've held on for this long. Here's to pushing through and hoping to retain some level of sanity in the process (although anyone that knows me will tell you I lost what was left of my sanity years ago lol). 

Until next week ♥

Lyrics in my head:
I see your monsters, I see your pain
Tell me your problems, I'll chase them away
I'll be your lighthouse, I'll make it ok
When I see your monsters, I'll stand there so brave
And chase them all away

AND 

They told me all my cages were mental

So I got wasted like all my potential 

And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad

I have a lot of regrets about that