Spiced Cider, Hot Soup, and Chilly Days

 Fall is really here in all of it's glory! Soup is one of my favorites, and I can't have it over the summer. There has been a lot of soup lately and it makes me happy. It's something that I really needed. I've got a lot going on, and getting to settle in with a hot dinner is the best. 

So, I don't know what happened last week. Somehow Thursday just sort of... got away from me. I need to be more careful about that. I did, however, get a few days off to do... nothing. It was great. My brain was tired. I needed to have that time to separate myself from it all. 

I'm jumping back into things tomorrow. I've been dipping my toes back in a little bit. I'm getting a website off the ground! So, there are going to be some changes. Links might be a little weird. I have to decide how I want all the things to work before I actually make the website live. Hopefully by next week it will be ready to go! 

Rage is on track. I'm checking and double checking then checking again to make sure it happens the way I want it to. I'm hopeful! I've also decided on what I'm doing for NaNo. There have been a few stories I wanted to get out relating to Justified, so... I'm doing it. As of now, there a ton of them I want to go in there. It will depend on how long it is when it's done. We'll see. IT ALSO HAS A NAME! The anthology will be named Moonlit! I'm pretty excited about it! 

Football things are going to be happening! I'm off to eat tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich while watching the Lions! 

Until next week ♥

Lyrics in my head: 

Got a secret, can you keep it

Swear this one you'll save

Better lock it in your pocket

Takin this one to the grave

If I show you, then I know you 

Won't tell what I said

Cause two can keep a secret

If one of them is dead

Matchstick Excerpt 8: The Note

 I didn’t have a great feeling about it, but I wasn’t about to let Elise drive it back to the house until I was sure everything was ok. She would roll her eyes at me if I told her that, but it is what it is. Being around my aunt and seeing her security team work gave me far more experience than she had. Renee wasn’t even supposed to be involved anymore. I was already anticipating everyone’s reactions when they found out we did this on our own. I wasn’t looking forward to it.

I pulled the note off the wheel and let it fall open.

 

I see you’ve found help. You’re all full of surprises aren’t you? I am too. Our little game will continue as planned. It will be more fun with more pieces anyway. Don’t you think?

I’ll see you soon 💋 ♥

 

I would recognize that handwriting anywhere.

(All excerpts are taken from a lightly edited first draft. Contents are subject to change or to be removed from the final novel entirely.)

The Warehouse pt3

 

I groaned as I opened my eyes. Someone had put a pillow under my head and covered me with a blanket. I was still on the catwalk. There was a lot of movement and excitement around. I blinked several times, trying to shake off the fog that settled over me. I used too much magic. I would be feeling it for days.

“Morning, sunshine,” James said as he ambled up to me. “We’ve got something for you.”

I glared at him. I hated it when he called me sunshine. That’s why he did it. I grumbled as I climbed to my feet. All my joints were stiff. I rolled my shoulders and cracked my neck.

“Why do you have to be so cheerful when I wake up?” I asked him.

“Because I am the light of your life,” he said, looping his arm through mine. “The kids have something for you.”

I slid my eyes to him, but he didn’t say anything else. He led me around to the stairs. He was humming. I hadn’t heard him hum in a while. It made my heart skip a beat. He was happy. Genuinely happy. I squeezed his arm as we stepped off the last step.

He took me over to a closed door. This room had been falling apart, but now it looked as if the wall and door had been patched up. He gestured for me to open it.

I bit my lip as I reached for the handle. As soon as I could see inside, I sucked in a breath and felt tears welling in my eyes. They had done so much more than patch things up. A bed big enough for James and I was in the corner. It looked like they had tried to scrub all the walls inside clean. Some of the art the younger kids liked to make was hanging around the room. A small dresser was on one side with a coffee maker on top of it. I didn’t know where they could’ve found one. They were too expensive.

“I can’t…” I started, trying to force the tears back. “I can’t take this. I need all of you to get settled.”

“You can,” Amy said. “You do everything for us. You set the plan, provide protection, get us medicine, and food, and whatever we need.”

“It’s your turn to have something just for the two of you,” Grace said. “We needed this space, and you got it and helped us defend it.”

“I put you all in danger,” I said softly.

“You saved us,” Allen said.

I didn’t have any words. I didn’t know what to say to any of them. All the work they had put into this. Finding an actual bed alone would have been a struggle. They had done all of this for James and I.

“Thank you,” I managed to breathe.

I couldn’t keep the tears from flowing. James pulled me into a hug. I heard the other kids behind us. I stepped back from James and turned to all of them. They were beaming at me; a few had tears in their eyes, too. They all put their hands over their hearts and bowed. My body shook as the tears fell.

“Get some rest,” Amy said. “We are going to work out how to use the rest of the space.”

They all filed out and left James and me in the room together. Amy gave me a nod and pulled the door closed. I stepped into James again, and he held me tight.

“I led them into so much danger coming here,” I whispered against his shoulder.

“It was needed,” he answered.

“I should have found somewhere else. I saw the bandages some of them had.”

“If I thought you were being reckless, I wouldn’t have let it happen,” he said. “It was dangerous, and I was worried about it, but I knew we didn’t have many options.”

I pulled back from him again and looked around the room. The pictures the young ones had drawn for us. It melted my heart. They really were my kids. I would do anything to protect them.

IN THEIR OWN HOUSE!

 Ok, I promise I'm not going to make this all football all the time. BUT! The Lions beat the Chiefs. In their own home. On opening night for the season. In primetime. IT'S A BIG DEAL. I'm over the moon!!! THIS IS OUR YEAR! Sure there has only been the one game and there are 16 left to play, it's fine. We are KILLIN it so far. 

The overhauling is going. I'm feeling good about the timeline right now. I should be able to get everything done that I need to get done. As of now, Rage will still be released on October 16th! I've been spending almost every waking moment on it. I'm going to be exhausted when this is done, BUT! It will be done and that's what matters right? 

I've been doing a lot of music lately. I switched out to my motivational playlist. It's helped a lot. When I'm not editing stuff to music, I have shows about ✨ M U R D E R ✨ playing. I probably watch too many things about murder. It's fine. There was a really good one about neighbors.   

I have messed up the sleeping again somehow. I don't know what I did with it, but it's broken. There has been a lot of waking up at night, and I don't like that. Even if I'm not awake very long... it's still not sleeping, ya know? I'll be happy when this phase goes away again. 

I'm going to be incredibly busy until late next week, then I'm hoping things will slow down a little bit. I'm supposed to be writing another book in November. I'm still not 100% sure what I'm writing (even though one of the pocket besties is really pushing hard for one particular project lol). We shall see. I've been told it might be a good idea to not write a book in November. I haven't decided yet. 

Ok, editing and football await! 

Until next week ♥

Lyrics in my head: 

I'm in love with all the voices inside my head
You're so beautiful inside, but inside I'm dead
Just another broken dream in my lonely bed
You're so beautiful inside, but inside I'm dead

AND

My heart's a dumpster fire burning all damn day 
It's filled with memories of us it all went up in flames
Maybe it's trash, maybe it's really not that bad 
But the smoke from what you broke keeps growing higher 
While I'm trying to find some peace of mind 
In this dumpster fire 

The Warehouse pt2

 

I knew they would come in the middle of the night. They would wait for most of the kids to be asleep. Long enough that they'd feel safe. I wanted to be on the roof, but James convinced me it would be a bad idea. I would be too much of a target, and no one would be able to guide the kids. I didn’t like asking them to fight, but we needed this building. There wasn’t a better place. The other neighborhoods would be too dangerous all the time to leave some of the kids there.

I kept pacing around on the catwalk. I didn’t want to wake any of the kids, but I couldn’t hold still. Most of the kids were piled together in a small office that hovered over the middle of the room. They would be safe there. When I felt the wards shimmer, I sent James to wake up the kids that would stand with me, even as the guilt tore through me. It was my job to protect them, and I was leading them into a fight. They were sleeping beneath the catwalk, alert within moments of James shaking them. I should’ve found a way to make the smaller building work. This was reckless.

The first fire trap activated, and someone screamed. Amy led the Weres in shifting. They prowled the warehouse walls, watching for any sign they would break through.

They blew a hole in the wall. It was wide enough for six people to walk in at the same time. The traps were obliterated in the blast. Our fairies lined up in front of our witches. They couldn’t lose line of sight. I stayed on the catwalk and waited for James to join me.

Weres poured through the gap. Seven of them. Our four lunged as soon as they saw them. My heart twisted as they made contact. Most of my kids were younger than theirs, but I made them all train with me. We needed to be stronger. I knew we were a target. The only way to protect them was to make them strong.

Some of their wolves froze as our fairies flung their magic at them. It wasn’t a precise strike, but it held long enough for our wolves to drive the rest of them back. I fired ice lances when I saw the openings and used the wind to lessen their blows. We were holding.

The front door blew open.

The blast of air the leader sent out knocked all my kids off their feet. I barely managed to brace for it as James got to my side, bow slung over his shoulder.

“You can do this, V,” he said.

He notched an arrow as I nodded. I threw my hands up. He fired when I did. He was getting faster. He let arrow after arrow fly as a stream of fire left my fingertips. I didn’t have the control to wield it as a true whip, but it kept them occupied.

Then I felt magic joining mine.

Two different kinds. While I kept the fire a solid mass to be used, someone added intensity to it, and someone else started steering it. Grace. She was the oldest and most skilled. She had to be guiding it.

My magic was fading. I could hear our wolves still keeping theirs back. I leaned into the railing so I wouldn’t collapse and felt James’s arm come around my waist.

“Don’t worry about me,” I forced out. “Keep focus on them.”

“I’m not going to let you fall.”

“I’m fine.”

He sighed but drew his bow. He fired a few more arrows as my vision blurred. I was going to lose the magic. I gritted my teeth and pushed harder. Our wolves howled triumphantly, and I saw them run toward the front door.

The leader stepped up to meet them. I would not let him take aim at our wolves. I fired an ice lance. My aim was off. It shot straight through his left shoulder. One of our wolves leapt and ripped his throat out. It had to be Amy.

I stumbled. James dropped his bow and reached for me. He barely managed to keep me upright.

“Let go, Vanessa,” someone yelled from below. “We’ve got it.”

I didn’t want to. I needed to help them.

“V,” James said softly as he helped me sit down. “Let go.”

A sob was torn from my throat as I let go of my magic. The whip flickered but then took up its form again. I blinked stars out of my eyes as our wolves howled again. Cheers rang out from underneath me.

“They are retreating,” I heard someone yell. “We held it!”

Then I blacked out.

LET'S GO

 THE NFL SEASON IS KICKING OFF!!!!!! I'm so excited. My Lion's are going to be playing. We are going to win. It will be awesome. Today is such a happy day!!! 

The last week has been... a week. BUT I'm getting ok with it. I'm doing the things that need to be done, including last minute overhauling of a few things in Rage. Here's to hoping I can pull it off in time. I don't want to delay release... I'm trying to push it ahead. I'm confident I can do it!

I also killed the Moon Lord! I finally did a full play through of the Terraria. Now I'm just messing around in there doing fun things there and trying to nail all the achievements. I like seeing completions. So, I'm going to do it! 

Ok, I have FOOTBALL things to do! XD

Until next week ♥

Matchstick Excerpt 7: The Aftermath

 “You think Maria was doing the shooting? Mark would have been there, though. He wouldn’t want to miss her reaction.”

“I also don’t think he would have taken a shot at me. He is mad at me, but I don’t think he could kill me. Maria was pissed he called me. She would probably be thrilled to have a chance to take me out.”

“We need to tell them,” Elise said.

“I know. I will. Annabell and Arthur are down and need to rest. Onyx can barely walk. Harley has a lot on her plate with everyone that’s been injured. I think it needs to wait until morning. Let everyone sleep, and then tell them.”

I was restless, but I needed the rest. The level of adrenaline that courses through you when you’re being shot at takes a toll. My mind was whirling too quickly for that. At least the living room was big enough to pace in. Elise stayed perched on the edge of couch. All her muscles were tense, she was ready to spring up at a moment’s notice. I didn’t blame her.

“Do you think the house will be ok tonight?” she asked.

“Maybe? It’s hard to say for sure.”

“We need to get Harley’s car. Arthur’s too,” she said. “We can take a cab to Harley’s and then drive to his.”

“I don’t know if that is a good idea. We would be out there on our own. If something happened… they wouldn’t even know where we had gone.”

“Let’s get Renee then. She can drive us in her car.”

“No one will be happy with us involving Renee.”

“What about involving me?” she said as she walked into the room. “Everyone else is sleeping.”

“I wanted to go get the cars. We can’t just leave them, it will draw attention.”

“None of them will like it, but it needs to be done,” Renee said. “Let’s go get it over with before someone wakes up and tried to stop us.”

“I just don’t think that’s a good plan. We don’t know if they are still watching the cars or if they left some kind of surprise at them,” I said.

“It will be ok,” Renee said. “While I don’t have much in the way of formal training, I have spent a lot of time with Arthur and Annabell. I know what to look for.”

“It won’t take long and we’ll be careful,” Elise added.

(All excerpts are taken from a lightly edited first draft. Contents are subject to change or be removed entirely from the finished novel)

Living in Caves and Trees

 Allergies are such an asshole. Two days in the last week I have been miserable... Nose running, sneezing all the time, head hurting, and, my favorite thing, hives! I'm over it. I need a magic wand to keep them away. It's getting ridiculous. I'm over it. 

I got to talk to C.O. yesterday!!! It was so awesome! We had to do a bunch of paperwork since it's a new agency, but it's fine. I'll see him in two weeks and we can talk about all the things that have been going on. I'm super excited about it. I've been really struggling lately. It's just been getting worse, so maybe now I will be able to get in a better headspace. 

I'm still fighting off the burnout from all the writing. Maybe writing two books within three months is a lot. That doesn't mean I'm going to stop doing it. I need to be writing and editing and doing all the things. I just need to figure out how to cope better. 

FOOTBALL STARTS NEXT WEEK! Can you tell I'm excited? I have been waiting for an eternity. Or what feels like an eternity anyway. The Lions are going to be awesome! It will be awesome! 

There has been a lot of building happening in Terraria. It's how I've been coping. There will be more building soon. I love all of the things in there. It makes me happy. It's not done yet, buuuut here is progress on the treeeeeee: 

Ok, that's enough. 

Until next week ♥

Lyrics in my head: 

When you came in, the air went out 
And all the shadows, filled up with doubt 
I don't know who you think you are 
But before the night is through 
I want to do bad things with you

The Warehouse pt1

 

Somehow all these kids had started looking to us for direction. Some of them were older than us too. We didn’t have enough room for all of them, and more kept showing up. We needed a bigger space.

“I don’t know about this one, V,” James said softly.

“It’s got enough room to grow into,” I answered.

“Except it’s already been claimed.”

“Not for long,” I said, shooting him a wicked grin.

The kids in the warehouse across the street were brutes. They tormented anyone that wouldn’t share their spoils, and their brutality was also used for sport. They didn’t deserve that space. No matter what they claimed. I was going to take it from them.

“Are you really sure?” James asked, biting his lip.

“I’m really sure.”

I stood up, straightened my clothes, and ambled across the street. I was short for 15. No one took me seriously at first. I liked being underestimated. It suited me. The two boys at the door leered at me as I approached. James started whistling from a pace or so behind me, no doubt looking for escape routes. Even as a few more street kids came out of the building to greet me, I didn’t let the swagger drop.

“Nice building you’ve got here,” I said with a sweet smile. “I’m here to take it off your hands.”

“I think you’re lost,” the tallest one said. He was older. He looked every bit as cocky as I was trying to be. “Take your friend and go.”

I tipped my head to the side and grinned. My magic was more controlled now. I raised my hand in front of me and made a wholly unnecessary, embellished flick of my wrist. I felt all their shoes in the grip of my magic and swept their feet out from under them. All five of the street kids went down hard. I didn’t wait for them to recover. I ripped a piece of broken sidewalk up and flung it over to the ring leader. I let it hover just above his head.

“You were saying?” I asked casually.

“You bitch!” one of the other kids spat.

“You can vacate the building, or he is dead. Don’t think I won’t come after the rest of you.”

James sighed as he stepped up next to me. I knew he saw something he didn’t like but was trying to maintain his boredom. I felt his hand close around my arm, but I didn’t dare look at him. The leader was barking out orders. It sounded like he was going to hand the place over.

Then James threw me to the ground as a fireball soared right for my chest. Another witch took control of the piece of sidewalk and hurled it away from the ring leader. I flung up a shield just in time to stop a few ice lances.

I searched for the source of the magic. I couldn’t see anyone. The kids on the ground were advancing.

“Plan B?” James asked as he pulled me to my feet, shield taking another blow.

“Plan B,” I confirmed. “The tallest one and the one to his right are witches. Rest are human.”

I summoned a portal and pulled James through, just barely escaping the next magical attack. We stepped out directly behind them. James took aim and landed a dagger in the thigh of one of the humans. A blast of wind knocked the witches to the ground as I advanced on them. I pulled the air back from their faces.

“Yield,” I growled. “Or I end you.”

I heard another grunt of pain as one of James’s daggers hit home again. The leader glared at me, clawing at his neck as he tried to fling his magic at me. His eyes flicked to the sides. The only warning I had of another attack. Sloppy. They didn’t deserve this place.

I flung my other hand up to shield. I barely got it up in time. I grunted as I took the blow. My magic was fading. I wouldn’t be able to hold for long.

There was a clash of blades behind me. I didn’t dare look. Unlike the boy on the ground in front of me, I knew better than to tip my hand. I needed him to cave. I didn’t want to kill them.

Finally, he tapped his hand on the ground. I pulled my magic back enough for him to speak.

“Enough,” he said. “Stand down.” Someone behind me tried to protest. “I said enough!”

I took him by the hand and hauled him to his feet. I kept him close to me as James tossed me a dagger. I used my magic to secure it in my grip.

“Once they leave,” I said sweetly. “I will release you.”

“We need to gather our things,” he ground out.

“You can take whatever you can carry. They have five minutes.”

A muscle in his jaw tightened, but he gave one nod. His chin brushed against the flat side of the blade. James leaned against the side of the building, picking at his nails. I could see the tension in him. He was getting used to being out here with me, but I hated that I needed him to be. I didn’t like seeing him harden like this.

I shook the thoughts away. These kids in front of me needed all my attention to ensure they didn’t try anything. With barely any time to spare, the last of them left the building.

“Good. Don’t come back here,” I said as I shoved the leader away from me. “Next time… I will kill you.”

“We’ll see about that. You have a reputation around this city, too, you know.”

I let the blade fly out of my hand and stop just shy of his neck. He swallowed hard.

“Try me.”

He glared at me as he backed away. I kept my focus on him until they were out of sight. I was losing my grip on the magic, so I let the dagger clatter to the ground. James righted himself and strode over to retrieve it, tucking it back into his jacket.

“This won’t be the end of it,” he said.

“I know. I’m prepared for that. I need a few of the witches here quick. We need to prepare.”

I sent James out to get them. He was faster than I was and had gotten very good at staying out of sight while I indulged my love for dramatics. I got to work setting up wards. I had to be careful not to drain all the magic I had.

As I finished, I heard James whistle. The front door opened, and all our kids came streaming in. I let them take in all the space. We would need to figure out all the arrangements, but for now, I just wanted to make sure we were safe.

“Alice, Grace, and Kielee,” I said. “I need your help.”

The three witches ran over eagerly. All of them liked to help me. James and I had pulled most of them out of bad situations in an attempt to help them have some level of normalcy.

“Anything you need, Vanessa,” Grace said.

“I need fire traps,” I said. “All the windows and doors. Even the second floor. Can you do it?”

“Yes,” they all said in unison.

“Allen, Ray, Jeff, and Amber,” I said. “Can you set some plant traps for me? I don’t know how it works, but anything to snare someone that tries to cross them.”

“Done,” Ray said as the fairies approached me. “Where do you want them?”

“Work with them on where and how their fire traps will be triggered, and decide from there. Only the front door should be clear. We need to be able to get in and out.”

“Amy, can you scent the kids that were here before? I want to know if they get close to this building again.”

“Sure,” she said. “With all the wards, it will be hard.”

“Do the best you can,” I said with a soft smile. “The rest of you can help James set up the sleeping arrangement for the night. Tomorrow, we get to work.”

Being Well Adjusted is Overrated

 Guess who got a phone call from C.O.?? I DID!!!! The program is opening up, I get my therapist back!! I've really been feeling the loss lately and having him back is going to be amazing. I don't know when the first appointment will be. I am waiting to hear from intake about getting it set up. So, hopefully it will be soon and then all the things will be so much better!! 

The last week has been full of crazy. It's been a lot, and I spent the weekend hiding in Terraria and talking to the Pocket Besties. I needed that time to chill out away from all of the things. I think I'm getting back into it. I just needed to get over whatever weird thing was happening to me. Bi-polar is stupid and it fucks with all the things sometimes. I'm feeling like everything is starting to level out again, add in the help I'll have from C.O. soon and things are going to be great!

The second round of edits on Trust is going really well! I don't know what it is about seeing it in print that makes it so much different, but it does. I see so many more things that I wish I had in there. I'm feeling much better about the entire book now. It also helps I have people over here telling me things will be ok. I'm just feeling the stress of getting this done. I still have to do the Final Pass of Rage before I release it (which will hopefully be on October 16!). 

I have a new playlist!!! One of the Pocket Besties and I made a playlist together, and she put so much good music in there that I have stolen for my own things lol One of the lyrics in my head this week is from one of those songs! New playlists make me happy. 

I'm already looking ahead to November because I cannot help myself. At all. I need to figure out what I'm writing for NaNo. I have too many things... there is a stand alone I am thinking of doing. Each of my series need the third books written. Plus, a character that appeared in Trust is getting a novella... There is the book I was shoved into writing too... So many choices. I don't know what I am doing with my life right now lol I should figure that out. We'll see. I should probably take care of what I am doing right now instead of worrying about what I'm going to be doing in November...

There has been thunderstorms! There has been lightning! It's been a while since there has been a good storm and I've been so excited about it! We are supposed to get another one tonight at some point. I'm hoping it's good! My cats are less than thrilled about it, but Peanut has been gluing herself to me for protection. So she's ok. She knows her mommy will keep her safe. 

Terraria... if you don't play it, you should! It's so great! The castle in the sky has been undergoing renovations. I think it's much better now. I'm happy about it. It's not done, but it's getting there. I also started a new world focused on cool unique houses. I'm sure I will play it like it should be played too, but I just really wanted a sandbox to mess around in. I triggered hardmode in the main world I'm playing. When some of the things happen... it makes it hard to just enjoy building lol but it's fine. I like all the hardmode stuff too. So I'm bouncing around between pretty buildings and killing all the things. 

Ok, I need to be editing. 

Until next week ♥

Lyrics in my head: 

My heart's a dumpster fire burning all damn day 
It's filled with memories of us it all went up in flames 
Maybe it's trash, maybe it's really not that bad
But the smoke from what you broke keeps growing higher 
While I'm trying to find some peace of mind 
In this dumpster fire 

AND 

What do you reckon, is it just me?
Words are weapons and occasionally they cut deep 
Crisis of confidence, it tends to come when I feel the dark 
And I open my heart 
If you don't see it, you should trust me 
I feel like I got nothing left right now 
Except this beauty in a dress right now
She got me feeling like the best, and the rest are just less 

Family

It was too hot to be out in the middle of the city center. I knew I shouldn’t have agreed to this. If anyone else besides James had asked, I would’ve said no. On top of that, I wasn’t allowed to tell Thomas any of it. While I still wasn’t his biggest fan, we had become civil with each other. I didn’t like the idea of lying to him.

“That’s him,” James said softly from beside me.

“And what am I supposed to be doing?” I asked.

I studied his face as he watched the guy across the street. His jaw was clenched, and his eyes hard. There wasn’t much of anything that could make him that tense.

“Thomas is always different after meeting with this guy,” he said, not taking his eyes off the man. “I want to know why.”

“What do you think I can do about it?”

“Whatever it is that you do,” he said, waving his hand around in front of him.

I picked up the coffee in front of me and took a long drink. I let my eyes roam over everyone here. It was too public for intimidation. At least the kind that would shake Thomas enough to worry James.

“Well, I’m not going to figure anything out from over here,” I said as I stood.

“What are you doing,” he hissed.

“I’m going to say hi,” I said brightly.

Before he could say anything else, I ambled over to the side. I glanced at the table Thomas was sitting at. They were in a deep conversation, and Thomas had started to get flustered. I stopped at one of the carts and grabbed a muffin, leaving more than enough coin on the small counter for it. I followed the curve of the bricks to the set of tables outside one of the nicer lunch spots in the city.

I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but Thomas had gotten more rigid. I slid my eyes to where James still watched on the other side of the square. He was pained, body tense. He wanted to storm over there but was holding himself back. Trusting me.

I turned my attention back to the meeting Thomas was in. From this side, I could see the man’s face. He looked familiar, but I couldn’t place him. Fuck it. I walked right over to the table.

“Thomas!” I said brightly. “What are you doing out here?”

I stepped up to him and held my arms out. We weren’t huggers, but I wanted to get him to move. The man at the table turned his hard stare to me as Thomas stood. Kelly Osgard. I’d seen him around the docks. He worked for Raffe.

“Vanessa,” he said as he stepped back from the hug. “I could say the same to you.”

He shook his head slightly as if coming out of a fog. He glanced at Kelly for a moment and frowned.

“I was just out clearing my head. Frustrating day,” I said with a smile.

He raised his eyebrow and shifted his attention to the crowd. I knew the minute he saw James. He pursed his lips and turned his gaze back to me.

“I’m in the middle of something,” he said tightly. “We’ll talk later.”

“How are things going, Kelly?” I asked, ignoring Thomas.

“Fine,” Kelly said.

“Good to know,” I said sweetly. “I’ll have to let Raffe know I saw you here today. If memory serves… he handles all his own finances.”

Kelly let out a low growl. It was a risk. Raffe was a client. Talking about his business in a public space carried risks. Not stopping what could be a betrayal, though… That would carry more.

“I’m here on my own accord,” he said.

I pegged him with a hard stare. His aura was all over the map. It was never a good idea to lie to a witch.

“This is breaking all the rules,” Thomas said hesitantly. “Raffe doesn’t send Kelly to handle any of his dealings?”

“No. He does not,” I said, returning my attention to Thomas. “I’ll take care of it. Why don’t you head over to the table James grabbed?”

He looked between us again before striding off, face getting paler. He knew as well as I did that Raffe would not be happy. I wouldn’t let any of it fall onto Thomas.

“Using your magic to steal from Raffe,” I said, clicking my tongue as I took Thomas’s chair.

I slipped my phone from my pocket and sent a text. It wouldn’t take Raffe long to get here. I cocked my head to the side as I watched Kelly. He was trying to push his magic at me. The growing frustration as I blocked him was amusing. I wasn’t a human he could push around. He couldn’t get into my mind while my magic was prepared for it.

“What do you want?” he asked. “I can cut you in. He won’t even notice.”

“You think I didn’t notice?” Raffe asked as he almost materialized out of the crowd.

Kelly froze. His eyes widened.

“He was using his magic to manipulate one of the bankers,” I said.

“Which banker?” Raffe asked without looking at me.

“It was Thomas. Luckily, James was worried about the state he was in after these meetings.”

“You are sure he was not involved?”

“Yes,” I said.

He was quiet as two of his people came forward and hoisted Kelly to his feet. I was glad I wasn’t Kelly. After today, there was a good chance he wouldn’t be heard from again.

“You have proven yourself invaluable to me yet again, Ms. Parker,” he said, finally facing me. “I will have payment sent to you immediately.”

“That is unnecessary,” I said as I stood. “I’m glad I was able to help.”

He lifted the back of my hand to his lips with the flourish of a bow.

“Then I’ll owe you a favor,” he said.

“I appreciate it,” I said with a genuine smile. “Can I ask what you plan to do with Thomas?”

“If you can swear to me he is not involved, that will be that,” he said. “If I find out he was… As much as I value your services, your neck will be on the line too.”

“I swear on my reputation he did not know.”

He dipped his head and turned back into the crowd. I took a deep breath before walking over to an anxious Thomas.

“What happens now?” he asked, voice wavering.

“Nothing,” I said. “I took care of it.”

He surged to his feet, hugging me hard enough to hurt.

“Thank you,” he breathed into my hair.

James stood. The look he gave me melted my heart. I knew he loved Thomas, and he was the most important person in my life. I would do anything for him.

“You’re family now,” I said to Thomas.

There Needs to be More Coffee

 So. Last week happened. It definitely happened, and I was not on top of things at all. There's that. I've been extra tired lately. The sleeping isn't working like it should be, and my sleep app is telling me I need to 15 hours of sleep tonight to make up for my sleep debt lol That's not going to be a thing that happens. Less sleeping means more coffee. And some redbull too. 

Speaking of Coffee... While Chris was off to Costa Rica for his honeymoon, he bought me coffee. It was from a village there, and it was soooo good! So, so good. Unfortunately... it's gone now. That's really sad. I mean, it's ok. I like my coffee a lot. So, Costa Rican coffee will be a treat from time to time! Chris plans to go back out there because he loved it there so much! He will bring me coffee XD My love language is definitely coffee. lol 

I'm moving through these edits!! It's been a journey back through this book. I was convinced when I was writing it that it was awful and I would need to scrap it. Turns out... that isn't true lol There are definitely some things that need to be fixed, but it's not awful. Which makes me feel a lot better than I did before! 

I now have a writing group inside my writing group! I hide in there sometimes. It's great. Plus, it's like a place where all the words can be said and there isn't any judgment. Bitching, chatting, writing, brainstorming. It's pretty awesome, and I'm happy. There's already plans for road trips, kidnapping, and books with coffee. There will be baking too. BAKING. Who wouldn't be happy under these conditions?

Something my sister and I have always done is have weird ebbs and flows of socializing. It one of those things that just is. Right now she is having a hide inside herself phase. Which means... I am spamming her with love song lyrics and cheesy GIFs. It's fine. She is cool with it :p We are weird people, and I love her so much! 

Fall is coming!! It's my favorite season by far. I'm in love with it. I can't wait. It's the best one, and that is a hill I will die on! I want all the spiced cider, apple pies, and donuts. Give me hot coffee and cool nights. Sweatshirts and cozy blankets. I'm excited. I'm ready for it. 

Do you know what else that all means? Football is back!!!! I mean, it's preseason right now, but it's football nonetheless. We are going to crush it this year. We are going to be awesome. We are going to the playoffs. It's happening, and I won't let anyone tell me otherwise. 

Until next week ♥

Lyrics in my head:

In my defense, I have none
For never leaving well enough alone
It woulda been fun
If you woulda been the one

AND

There's a memory on my mind, it keeps on coming back
Made a promise to myself I wouldn't let it get this bad
Now I'm lying wide awake, sleepless in my bed
My hearts a frozen lake, there's ice inside my chest

The Beginning of a Friendship

 

The vacant apartment was freezing. It was a small one-bedroom. The paint was peeling, and she didn’t want to identify some of the smells. Sitting on the floor had been a risk, but since she would be sleeping here now… She knew she would have to suck it up.

There had been a change of plans. What was supposed to be a simple job had been made infinitely more complicated. Annabell leaned her head back into the wall and uncrossed her ankles because her foot was falling asleep.

“Where does your family think you are?” Arthur asked, from the other side of the small room, breaking the silence from their last heavy conversation.

They had been having more and more of those. He was sitting in a similar position as she had been. His gun was lying off to the side, but she knew he could have it in his hand and aimed in a matter of seconds. He had come more prepared than she had. She was envious of his heavy coat. She hadn’t expected to be here long and only had a thin sweater. He had offered her the coat, but she didn’t want to be surrounded by his scent.

“Don’t have much family,” she said. “My parents died in a car accident when I was a teenager, and I was an only child.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“It is what it is,” she said with a shrug. “It’s been a long time. What about you?”

“I haven’t talked to mine in a while. My best friend and his wife are as close as it gets to family.”

“Do they know?” she asked quietly.

They had crossed paths a handful of times now. A tentative friendship had formed, but that was a dangerous question to ask. Even more so to answer. She forced herself to meet his gaze. He surveyed her for a minute before giving one slight nod. It was a sign of trust that he would let her have that information. No one was supposed to know about Garrote.

“They were there when I got the call,” he said just as quietly.

No one was there to overhear them, but saying it too loud felt reckless. Most of their conversations had been dangerous lately. They were an efficient team, so they were paired up often.

“Having people like that… How do you manage it?” she whispered, looking down at her shoe.

“If I have to be close, I make them out to be sources of information,” he said. She could still feel his eyes on her. “If we are ever paired up out that way… you can meet them if you want.”

“I think I would like that,” she said.

She hadn’t had anyone she would consider a friend since she got the call. Arthur was becoming that for her. If he trusted the people around him, she might be able to trust them too. She looked up at him again, and he let his gaze linger before looking away. She knew she had developed this crush, but it was inappropriate. She would never do anything about it. That would be more dangerous than having friends. She cleared her throat.

“How long do you think they will keep us waiting here?” she asked, needing the subject to go back to something harmless.

“Hard to say,” he said, shaking his head slightly. “The change in guest list to this party has them considering the best course of action.”

“I didn’t know the guest list changed.”

“Ah, yea,” he said, scrubbing his hand over the back of his neck. “I forgot you haven’t been in long. They aren’t forthcoming about information until after three years.”

“Why?”

“They need to ensure you’ll stay in line,” he said. “They can’t risk giving more because you could cause problems. Do as you’re told for that long… it builds some trust.”

She tilted her head, thinking about the implications of that. She hadn’t put much thought into how much information she was given and when, but the few times there had been a change in plans… she was left to sit just like this.

“So, they trust us to be out here with weapons, on orders, but not to have all the information?” she finally asked.

His face flushed. She waited for him to answer. She studied his face as he looked everywhere but at her. She didn’t know if he would tell her anything the longer he was silent.

“You aren’t supposed to know this,” he started. “You cannot change your behavior at all if I tell you.”

“Done.”

“The first three years, someone follows you while you are on jobs. Someone is specifically assigned to you and only takes jobs of their own while you are waiting for your next one,” he said softly.

“So someone is watching us now?”

“No. I’m here with you, so it will be my job to report back on you for this assignment.”

He looked uncomfortable. Another piece of information he was trusting her with. If she suddenly started watching for a tail, they would know he told her. There wouldn’t be another explanation.

“What do you have to report?” she asked.

“If you kept to the assignment, made or followed the plan, improvised correctly as needed, if you hesitated or talked to anyone you shouldn’t have. I’m supposed to say whether or not you are fit to continue.”

“How much trouble would you be in for telling me?”

“Re-education at best, execution at worst.”

“I won’t make trouble for you,” she said as she shifted.

She wanted to move closer to him but knew she shouldn’t. They needed to stay where they were. Professional boundaries. Even if a friendship was blooming. She didn’t think assassins were supposed to have friends at all. It wasn’t something she could ask around about. She was about to thank him, but his phone rang.

“Decker,” he said, clearing his throat.

She watched him as he listened to the caller. He nodded a lot, which made her suppress a grin. He had a tendency to talk with his hands while on the phone too. It was a charming quirk of his.

“We have a plan,” he said as he hung up the phone. “We’ve got two days to get ready to crash the party. We have four targets now. All need to be a message. We just have to figure out how to do it and get away clean.”

“Puzzles are one of my favorite things,” she said with a gleam in her eye.

“Then let’s get to work.”

Matchstick Excerpt 6: Bats

“The bats are out in full force tonight,” Annabell said.

“I’ve always loved watching them,” I said, grateful for something else to focus on.

“They have always creeped me out a little bit. I don’t want one to swoop down here and bite me,” Arthur said.

“They aren’t going to bite you,” I laughed.

“You don’t really know that, do you,” he grumbled.

“Are you a bug?” Annabell asked, trying to hide her grin. “If not, then you should be fine.”

He crossed his arms over his chest and scowled at Annabell. There was another noise in the woods. I turned my eyes back to the sky to keep from looking.

“It’s a raccoon,” Cali said softly in my ear.

I giggled. It didn’t sounds like me. It was borderline hysterical. I tried to reign it in, but I couldn’t. I was getting jumpy over a raccoon. I knew I sounded crazy. I knew I needed to cover it up.

“I’m sorry,” I said between fits of laughter. “I was just imagining a bat swooping down here to hang out with Arthur.”

Annabell started giggling too. Arthur was not amused.

(All excerpts are taken from a lightly edited first draft. Content here may be changed or removed entirely from the final novel.)

Apparently... It's Thursday...

 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. It is after 11pm and I just realized this didn't happen. After CampNaNo, my brain was fried. I took days to not do things... then I forgot to do this... So. Here it is. Late. And I'm tired lol 

I finished writing Trust! It's done! I did it! 110,115 words in 31 days. After Matchstick I was afraid it was a fluke, but I think I can make this work more often! I might have a very good system down for all future books. Depending on how long they get... I might need to be careful about doing the whole thing in a month... but it will be fine. It's not like I'm prone to taking on more than I can handle and stressing myself out or anything... >.>

I know there was more I had planned on saying this week. I cannot think of any of it. It helps when I am not trying to write it so late at night... So, maybe that will end up moved to next week.. We'll see lol 

Until next week ♥

Lyrics in my head: 

If I go crazy 
Then will you still call me superman 
If I'm alive and well 
Will you be there to hold my hand

An Interview: Carly

“Thank you for coming in for the interview today.”

“It’s my pleasure,” Carly said as she folded herself into the chair. “It’ll be fun.”

“What do you like about your job?”

“Helping people,” she said easily. “I like helping to get people on their feet again and will do so however I can.”

“What made you pick a coffee shop?”

“I like coffee,” she said with a grin, leaning back into the chair. “It also provides a community space. Anyone can come in and sit. Everyone knows I don’t tolerate bullshit in my establishment. They are safe there.” She looked thoughtful, tilting her head to the side. “I think that’s why Vanessa and I get along so well. She’s a little… abrasive. However, she doesn’t let people get away with bullshit either.”

“You two would make a formidable team.”

“You know Vanessa would roll her eyes at that, but she would be secretly pleased.”

“Would you ever consider changing jobs, and if so, what would you want to do?”

“I don’t think I would,” she said, running her hand through her hair. “I don’t need to work. I have more coin than I could ever spend. I didn’t open that place to make money. It was just to help people. A safe space, a job, food, etc.”

“You truly are happy there.”

“Very much so,” she said with another smile.

“What’s a hobby you have?”

“Baking,” she said. “It relaxing, and it’s also something you can experiment with. Flavors, textures, even the products themselves.”

“Baking is a part of your job, though. Is it really a hobby?”

“Very much so,” she nodded. “I don’t serve everything I bake at the shop, but it can give me ideas.” She leaned forward and rested her elbows on her knees, lacing her fingers. “I’ve been working on a few new things I want to bring into the shop. It’s a fun challenge to find a way to make it work. As long as a batch is edible, I give to various groups living in the streets.”

“How did baking come to be hobbies of yours?”

“My mom wanted me to bake with her all the time,” she replied, fidgeting with her laced fingers. “She liked to experiment too. She told me it was a productive way to keep your brain sharp. After she died, I kept it up in her honor.”

“What skill do you have that might be surprising?”

“Fancy bar tricks and pool,” she said, leaning back with a mischievous grin. “For the bar tricks, I use syrups, whipped cream, and coffee paraphernalia. I don’t often do it in the shop, but it can be fun. The pool… I like to go into bars and hustle the arrogance off those that are rude to barmaids. I’m surprised I don’t already have a reputation for it.”

“That sounds a like it’s more of a hobby for you.”

“It is, in a way. Playing pool very well is a skill; hustling the arrogant assholes with attitude is a hobby.”

“Speaking of, how do you feel about Thomas now? You dressed him down in your shop at least once.”

“Thomas is one of the good ones,” she said with a warm smile. “He was a little lost and needed someone to stand up to him.”

“Do you credit James for some of that transformation?”

“No,” she said adamantly. “If you ask him, he would say it was all James, but that takes away from the work he put into himself. The people around him helped to guide him. He was the one to make the decision to listen and grow. I won’t take that away from him.”

“That’s a good way to look at it.”

She flashed a smile and shifted in the chair. The calm mask she wore was belied by the movement.

“People are ultimately in charge of their own lives. The rest of us can only provide support.”

“What does the perfect vacation look like to you?”

“Anything with horses. Caring for them, riding them, training them. I’ve always loved being around horses.” Her body relaxed some as a memory flashed across her face. “They are smarter than people give them credit for. While only fairies can talk to them directly, they do still speak to you; you just have to be willing to listen.”

“What about a perfect date?”

“I don’t date. I’m not really interested in it. I never have been. I just can’t put my heart into it. I’d rather cultivate deep friendships.”

“Those friendships sound wonderful.”

“They are. I cherish every one of them,” she said fondly.

“Thank you for taking the time to come and chat with me.”

“Anytime,” she said as she stood. “I’m sure I’ll be back once things settle down a little back in Kadence.”

“I look forward to it.”

She strode to the portal and tossed a wave and a smile over her shoulder before stepping through it.

Super Interesting and Unique Title

I try to name things somewhat related to something for the week. This is not the week. I don't know what it is, but sleep has not been my friend. I'm exhausted all the time, more so than usual. I had a whopping 1.5 hours of sleep the other night. So. That has been really fun lol 

The words have been hard. I'm behind. Again By like 2700 words. I need to get over 6k today to be on track again. I'm running out of days to play catch up. NaNo ends on Monday. I think a major part of it is because it's so close to the end. The first chapter is hard. The last quarter of the book is hard... at least for me. So. I'm struggling. 

I don't toss too much of this out there because... well, just because... but there is a person in my life determined to drive what's left of my sanity away. There is nothing I can do about it but attempt to ignore them. My noise canceling headphones help, but on Tuesday it was not enough. My nerves are already shot and I can tell you... that didn't help any. 

This has just not been a good week overall. There were some good things. I'm trying to focus on those. Like some of the crows and I dragged another crow into a whole new world and that has been endlessly entertaining lol My best friend put in an offer on a house and it was accepted! It's the cutest house omg. Him and his wife already have so many plans for it. I'm excited for them. There have been a lot of good conversations with several people in my life. So, I'm focusing on that. 

I need to be writing this book. I'm actually writing this TODAY. Not just making sure it's good to go like I do most weeks. So I think that will be all for now. 

Until next week ♥

Lyrics in my head: 

Pulled the car off the lookout
Could've followed my fears all the way down 
And maybe I don't know quite what to say
But I'm here in your doorway

First Assignments, Onyx

 

It sounded easy enough.

He read through the file, staked out the target for a few days, and then made a plan. He was prepared. Unlike the other recruits in the academy, he didn’t want to show he was the best at anything. He was already the youngest recruit, and he wasn’t pulled from Blade like the rest of them. He hadn’t wanted any more attention called to himself. He had done all his real training behind closed doors. He waited until the others were in bed or at lunch to make sure he could handle all the weapons. He kept himself in the middle of the pack.

He hadn’t thought twice about the job. At least until he stood on the rooftop across the street from his first target. It had become real. He was going to kill this man. His heart rate accelerated the longer he stood there. Even with all his skill and training, his hands trembled as he watched.

Easy had been the wrong word.

This man, Caleb, was a businessman. Onyx had followed him from meeting to meeting, looking for anything that could’ve landed him on Garrote's radar. It wasn’t until the third day he figured it out. Caleb spent some of his nights as a bookie for the humans. If they got behind… Well, then, he would use his magic to torment them. He had taken out two Blade teams that had come for him. Now, he just needed to be dealt with. Why Onyx had to follow him.

It needed to be an accident. Caleb was too well known to disappear and had too many friends to let it become an unsolved murder. He checked over all this gear for the fifth time before watching for Caleb to go to bed for the night. That night, he took longer than the others. It made Onyx fidget. There was a deadline. He didn’t want to wait.

When Caleb finally got in bed and turned off the light, Onyx glanced at his watch. He wanted to wait at least an hour. It was an agonizing hour. It was freezing on the roof as he waited.

After exactly an hour, Onyx got to work. He picked his way back across the U-shaped roof until he was standing above Caleb’s apartment. It would be the most dangerous part. Scaling the side of the building, past another apartment, without being noticed. He had attached the thick nylon rope when he got there before he settled in to watch Caleb’s night. He ran it through his harness and tossed the end over the side.

He took a deep breath as he stepped up to the ledge. He couldn’t believe he was going to go through with it. It was surreal. He hopped back and let his feet plant firmly on the smooth taupe wall. He made quick work of dropping two floors. The window he had chosen was always left cracked. People aren’t as worried about locking their windows on the 12th floor. Even in a city.

Onyx pushed the window open slowly, listening for any sounds inside. He sat on the window sill and waited to see if anyone noticed. When everything stayed silent, he swung his legs in and unhooked himself from the rope. He patted his pocket to make sure the vial was still secure.

He set his jaw and moved quietly through the apartment. When he got to the bedroom, the bed was empty. He bit back a curse. He didn’t know where Caleb could’ve gone, but he couldn’t be caught there. Onyx heard movement from down the hall and slipped into the shadows of the bedroom. When Caleb ambled into the room and flung himself on the bed, Onyx was hesitant to even breathe. He couldn’t be seen.

He stood perfectly still, keeping a careful hold on his breathing, until Caleb started snoring. Onyx slipped the vial and a syringe from one of the pockets on his vest. The Garrote healers had been working on a new serum, adalite. It was supposed to nullify magic and cause heart failure. He didn’t know how they had done it, but it made jobs like these easier, so he wouldn’t complain. It had to be kept warm, and once the seal on the vial was broken, he only had minutes to use it before whatever magic in the adalite would vanish, rendering it useless.

Onyx slowly pushed the needle in by the rim of the vial. In all the tests he had done, it was the quietest way to break a seal like this. As soon as the needle punctured the thin layer of aluminum, there was a hiss. Caleb bolted upright and looked right at him.

With a growl, Caleb launched himself to his feet. Onyx swore as he drew the fluid up into the syringe. He had to make it fast, or he couldn’t finish the job as instructed. Even with two more vials on him, he couldn’t leave any other marks. He couldn’t mess up his first assignment.

He dropped to the ground and rolled under Caleb’s strike. Onyx struck out with the needle but only managed to graze him. A mark he shouldn’t have left. Caleb grabbed books from the bookcase and hurled them at him. They were easy to dodge, and it didn’t take long to figure out why. He had been going for his gun. Onyx whipped his air magic in a frenzy to fling the gun away, but Caleb had been training with metal. It was weak, but there. The gun was caught between the dueling magical forces.

Onyx knew that would be the best way to strike. He leapt forward as he dropped his magic. Caleb snatched up the gun and turned it on Onyx, firing just as he was tackled. The bullet tore through Onyx’s left shoulder as he jammed the needle into Caleb’s bicep and pushed the plunger down.

Caleb tried to bring the gun around to fire again, but his body seized up. Onyx stumbled back from him and collapsed on the floor as he watched the spasms that took over his target. He watched as the life slid from his body. He couldn’t move. His breathing came in ragged bursts.

He had been trained for this. He knew what he was supposed to do. He knew he was supposed to push aside the feeling until later. He knew he was supposed to stand. He knew he needed to clean up the scene. He knew all of it, but he couldn’t move. He was rooted to the floor.

Murderer.

It was the only thought that would slide through his mind, twining to his heart as it squeezed. He didn’t know how long he sat there. Something in him snapped, and he climbed to his feet. The pain in his shoulder was overwhelming. He reached for a tin of salve in his vest. He had to go into the bathroom to examine the wound. After applying the salve, he returned to that bedroom and got to work. The gun was put back in its place, and the books had to be returned to the shelf. He had to drag Caleb closer to the bed as if he had collapsed out of it. He used his air magic to remove all of his blood.

He didn’t have a way to fix the bullet hole in the wall. It couldn’t stay there. He paced as he went through his options. Finally, he pulled the bullet out of the hole and used his air magic to align the pieces. It wasn’t perfect, and if anyone looked too closely, they would see it. It was the best he could do.

He checked the room over one last time and let his eyes linger on the man he had killed before he went back to the window and hoisted himself up. He slid the window closed to where he’d found it. His shoulder protested the climb back to the roof.

He had finished his first assignment.

The Lions Look Good This Year

 I know we say that every year, but this year is different! I swear! This really is our year. It has to be. We looked good at the end of last season. We have so much promise for this season. As of the time this posts, there is exactly 49 days until the Lion's first game of the regular season! Which is actually the opener of the whole NFL regular season. It's going to be great. Trust me. 

I'm on a little behind on NaNo... I've hit the halfway point in the book. Which makes it easier and harder all at the same time. I don't plan my books out. Vanessa lives in my head and tells me things. I know some things I want to happen or a general direction the book is going in, but none of the specifics. I'm just as surprised by a lot of the things as everyone else. The thing about being at a halfway point, is things need to start pointing to a resolution. I have to make sure to reign the story in. Sometimes it works better than other. Edits makes it all look intentional lol 

I've been reading more again, and it's awesome. I'm still working on Empire of Storms. That's how much reading I haven't been doing... Usually a book this size can be done in under a week (and that's if I'm on top of limiting time reading, otherwise like two days). I think I've had this one open for... I don't even know, but it's been a while. After this one, there is only two more books left in the series and I move on to Crescent City. I'm still salty at how long I have to wait for the ACOTAR book... I need to know things there. TOG is a completed series, so I will get an ending. I guess CC is still running too. It's like torture I tell you. 

I'm pulling it all back together again this week. I'm not going to be morose. I have a lot happening and most of it is good. Going to focus on that. C.O. would be proud. I'm also doing some reading for a couple of the crows. So that's something else for me to focus on. I haven't decided how healthy it is, but we can just pretend the bad stuff isn't there and find other things to do lol I know there has to be a balance in there, but I'm not good at balance 

The castle in the sky in Terraria is complete. Now I'm working on the second one while also deciding I need to do some more progression stuff. So my evenings have been relaxing with Terraria and watching Suits. I need that time to do nothing of importance to keep hold of my sanity. 

Until next week ♥

Lyrics in my head: 

Let's go to hell together
We can burn forever 
I've got nothing better to do 
You know that I'm not a rebel 
I just know the devil 
Can't be much worse than me and you

AND

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home 
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you

Matchstick Excerpt 5: Smores

Once I got the fire going, I plopped down in front of it. I saw the people in the cabin next to us. They were a young couple, and they raised a hand in greeting as they got their own fire going.

“Ok, ready to eat?” Onyx said as he settled in next to me.

“Can we eat the smores first?”

“You are going to end up eating all the smores, and then you won’t want a hot dog,” he said laughing.

I just grinned. He rolled his eyes, but the smile never left his face. He handed me a stick and I popped a marshmallow on it. I stuck it immediately in the fire and waited for it to be engulfed in flames before bringing it slowly back to me to blow it out. Onyx shook his head.

“They are better if you burn the outside, and it doesn’t take as long before you get to eat them,” I said as I smooshed it between the chocolate and crackers.

“Patience is a virtue,” he said.

“One that I do not possess.”

I squealed as he reached over and scooped me up, placing me in his lap. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek. I leaned back into him and rested my hands on his arms. I could stay like this all night. I tipped my head back and laid it on his shoulder.

(All excerpts are taken from a lightly edited first draft. The content may change or be removed entirely from the final novel.)

To My Crows, With Love

For distractions on the worst of days. 

For listening to all the crazy in my life. 

For the lack of judgment. 

For silly conversations. 
For GIF spam, both with love and with wild inappropriateness.
For the shared love of explosions and murder (fictionally speaking).
For the word count races. 
For planning impossible road trips.
For the help. 
For motivation and inspiration. 
For a special brand of weird. 
For a place I feel comfortable in. 

With another hard week running, having the crows has been a life saver for me. It's been a place I spend a lot of time in now. I have discord open almost all time. The turns tabling have been pushed away. I feel better. I mean, I'm still struggling, and I can still feel the weight of the stress, but it's been easier to carry with me. Even when I don't talk about the exactness of it... Just being in there brings me a level of peace. I am forever grateful. 

The writing has been going. One of the crows in particular races me all the time. It's one of the best ways to getting writing done when you are as competitive as I am! Due to some events yesterday, I'm behind for CampNaNo. I'm going to get it back on track by the end of the weekend and hope to get ahead next week. Having a cushion in there is nice when days like yesterday happen. I'm feeling more confident in my ability to get this done. Writing Vanessa again is coming easier. I know I will have to push some stuff in the beginning around since I couldn't nail her voice down in the first few chapters, but it's doable. 

Vanessa's story means a lot to me. After writing my first book way back when, I was going through some stuff. I was struggling with my identity as a writer. I didn't write anything for years. Vanessa gave me the spark back. When I started her story, I was still struggling. A lot. buuut she was persistent. While Harley and her story will always be close to my heart, Vanessa brought back my passion for stories. 

Parenting is one of the hardest things I've ever done. Seeing all the problems she might have and knowing I can't stop them... I can't make her listen to me. I remember what it's like to have grand plans with a naïve expectation of how the world will be. No matter how many conversations we have, no matter what insight I can give her... I'm still just mom, and mom's just don't get it. The entirety of is has been weighing on me a lot. In five months she will be an adult. There is this spiral of guilt that I didn't do enough or that I should've made different choices. I guess that remains to be seen. I've had a lot of conversations with my mom about how she handled this transition. It helps some. Maybe in a few years I'll feel better about it all. We'll see. 

The music has been hitting so much harder lately too. I'm feeling everything deeper than normal, and I already feel things hard. Some of it is just my personality, some of it is being an empath, and I know some of it is the bi-polar. I live my life in extremes. I'm not happy, I'm ecstatic. I'm not sad, I'm devastated. I'm not angry, I'm furious. Even my baseline runs high or low depending on the day. Music has this ability to pull the emotions even harder, but sometimes (like now), it's even more impactful. I'm still obsessing over Taylor. Speak Now (Taylor's Version) just dropped, and I'm all about it. Everything is so good. I've got a lot of Ed Sheeran in there too. After listening to his two newest albums... I'm obsessed there too. 

Because of the crows talking all about the Steam Summer Sale... we got to talking about Terraria. One of them teamed up with me to get people to buy it lol Soooo I've been playing it a lot again. I love this game so much. It's so fantastic. I really want to play all day, but I know I can't do that. So it's become my reward for doing all the writing things. Currently working on a castle in the sky. Do you know how much stone it takes to make enough grey brick for a castle to house all the NPCs? A lot. It takes a lot. I keep running out lol 

Ok, I think that's enough. I'm a little morose this week, sorry lol

Until next week ♥

Lyrics in my head:

My bad habits lead to late nights ending alone 
Conversations with a stranger I barely know 
Swearin this will be the last but it probably wont
I got nothin left to lose, or use, or do

AND

And there we are again when no one had to know 
You kept me like a secret, but I kept you like an oath 
Sacred prayer and we'd swear
To remember it all too well

An Interview: James

 “Thank you for coming in for the interview today, James.”

“Thank you for having me,” he said with a genuine smile as he gracefully folded himself into the chair, unbuttoning his suit jacket. “How are you doing this fine day?”

“I’m very well. You?”

“Spectacular,” he said, crossing his ankle over his knee. “I do have some things I need to get back and attend to, though.”

“Of course! I know you’re all very busy, so we’ll get right to it. What do you like about your job?”

“The security,” he said easily. “V and I only answer to each other, and we only rely on each other.”

“But you have clients to please. So there is some accountability to others.”

“To a degree, yes,” he said thoughtfully, tipping his head. “Growing up like we did leaves you… wanting, for a lot. It’s something we don’t have to worry about now. We don’t get involved in things we don’t want to be involved in. We don’t have to be afraid anymore. That’s what matters to us most.”

There was a shift in him. It was subtle, but his muscles tensed, and his spine straightened. The easy smile never left his face, but darkness clouded his eyes for a moment. He held himself with a disarming grace. That darkness was gone in the blink of an eye like it had never been.

“Would you ever consider changing jobs, and if so, what would you want to do?”

“I can’t imagine doing anything else,” he said. “Vanessa and I would find a way to make this work, no matter what we had to do.” His smile faltered a little, but he righted it again. “She and I have been through a lot together. We will always make it work.”

“The two of you have a very close relationship.”

“It was just the two of us for a very long time,” he said, the warmth returning to his features. “When you very literally put your life in someone else’s hands for almost your entire life… it has that effect.”

“What’s a hobby you have?”

“Hobbies are something I’m still working on. Gus has been showing me things about woodcarving. I’ve been thinking about starting a collection of daggers, too. Cassidy was doing some flower weaving the other day that looked interesting, too,” he said thoughtfully. “I just want to try everything. There is so much of the world out there. Why would I want to settle for only understanding part of it?”

All the tension from earlier drained from his body as he talked. There was an air of wistfulness about him. It projected the same kind of vibe as Cassidy’s wanderlust.

“Is there anything you don’t want to try?”

“Cooking,” he said without hesitation. “I have cooked precisely one time, and I hate it.” A smirk spread across his face as he leaned forward. “Vanessa and I almost caught the kitchen on fire trying to make grilled cheese. We swore off it soon after. Luckily Thomas is an excellent cook when he wants to be.”

“How would you set the kitchen on fire with a grilled cheese?”

“Well,” he said, laughing. “Apparently, you don’t actually fry them in oil. When we dropped them in, there was too much oil, and it started overflowing and bubbling. We both ran. Some things were melted. It was a mess. Cassidy never let us forget it.”

He was trying to stifle his laugh, but it wasn’t working. He let his head fall forward as he got himself under control again.

“Other than that… I’m open to most things. I don’t know that I would want to take on a high-risk hobby. I already have enough of that in my life, but I wouldn’t be opposed to it if someone I cared about wanted me to try it.”

“What skill do you have that might be surprising?”

“I can sing,” he said bashfully. “I don’t do it often because I don’t like to have all the attention on me, but sometimes I will do it.”

“Want to try something now?”

“Ah, I’m running short on time…” he said, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck. “Maybe another time.”

A little bit of a blush was creeping over his cheeks.

“Of course. We are almost done. What does the perfect vacation look like to you?”

“Having time with Vanessa and Thomas without anything blowing up or danger of any kind,” he said, biting his lip. “There always tends to be one thing or another keeping us on our toes. It would be nice to have some time with just the three of us.”

“How would Vanessa and Thomas feel about that?”

“Now?” he laughed. “They would be happy with it. While they had a very rocky start, things between them are much better now. They have a better understanding of each other.”

“What about a perfect date?”

“Stargazing with a bottle of wine,” he said, leaning back in the chair and lacing his fingers together in his lap. “It gives you something to focus on if you need it, but also something to talk about. It can be anything you want it to be in the moment without pressure.”

“That does sound like a fantastic date. Well, that’s all I have for you. The portal over there will take you back.”

“It was a pleasure,” he said as he stood and re-buttoned his jacket. “I’m sure I’ll be back soon.”

He gave a slight bow before walking back to the portal.